Almost Perfect - Brian Katcher [106]
You are now as once was I
Now I lie in a cold, cold bed
And so shall you, when you are dead
IF I KEPT HANGING OUT in this cemetery, they’d probably talk about having me put away. I wasn’t sure what time it was, though the moon had traveled halfway across the sky. Mom hadn’t said a word as we drove home, but I couldn’t follow her back inside. I felt like I’d suffocate in that trailer. I had to be alone. I leaned against a tree and stared at Bernal’s tombstone. Was he urging me to seize the day, or was he just pissy about being dead?
So Sage was going to change her sex. Again. Go back to being the boy she once was. The very thought hurt my soul. I couldn’t describe it. I felt like Sage was on death row, like they were strapping her into the electric chair, and only I had the evidence to free her, but I didn’t know what to do.
This was worse than Brenda cheating on me. Worse than when I found out Sage’s secret. Worse than when Laura found out Sage’s secret.
Why did it bother me so much? Maybe it was the thought that in a year, Sage would be a hulking, burly man, and that I’d have to live with the fact that I let a macho guy like that give me pleasure.
No, that wasn’t it. For one thing, Sage would never be macho. She’d turn into a swishy guy, one who’d set off gaydar alarms at fifty feet. Sage couldn’t pull off the man thing. And then there were the hormones. I didn’t know how they worked, but taking estrogen during puberty probably had some lasting effects.
I hated the idea that I’d never see Sage again. She was my buddy, my friend, the first girl to touch me naked. I didn’t want her last mental image to be me screaming as the nuthouse staff dragged me away.
But I’d never expected to talk to Sage again after I dumped her. I’d been willing to pay that price. What had changed my mind?
Dew was forming on my pants. The mosquitoes were torturing me. Still, I could not make myself get up.
I was upset because I thought Sage was making a huge mistake. That’s all there was to it. Sage made such a great girl. She’d told me herself, she was miserable as a boy. But now she felt she had to go back. Had to run away from all she’d accomplished. Because of one bully. One guy who hurt her. Sage, the girl Sage, was going to die. I couldn’t bear the thought.
And there was nothing I could do to make everything right.
That week, I tried to convince myself that things really weren’t black and hopeless. Sage had just suffered the worst week of her life. That’s why she was so determined to give up everything she’d achieved. But people say things all the time they don’t really mean. That was one lesson I learned from Brenda.
I decided not to contact Sage for a week or so. Let her do some thinking, talk things over with her doctor and her family. Then, after she’d had a while to reflect, I’d ask Tammi to tell Sage that I really wanted to see her again. I didn’t think Sage would refuse me, not after everything that happened this semester.
I’d tell her if she didn’t want to be friends, it would be my loss, not hers. But I had to make sure that she wasn’t going to kill off the girl I’d almost allowed myself to love. Sage would see things my way. She had to.
I lasted six days before I broke down and called the hospital. To my surprise, whoever answered the phone informed me that Sage was no longer a patient there.
This was great news! She’d been released early! That must mean her mental condition had improved. Maybe she’d even come back to school. I eagerly dialed her home number. Tammi answered.
“Tammi? The hospital said Sage isn’t there anymore. Did she come home?”
The long pause told me I’d been too optimistic. “Logan, I need to talk to you in person. Can I come see you?”
I immediately went back to depressed mode. People never want to tell you news face to face unless it’s bad. “Yeah, come on over.”
Mom was in her bedroom. I knocked.
“Hey, Mom, feel like going for a drive?”
She smiled. We hadn’t discussed things since the day at the hospital. Maybe she thought I was going to open up to her.
“Okay. Should