Andy Rooney_ 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit - Andy Rooney [119]
—Hot-air hand dryers in public washrooms. I’d rather use my shirttail.
—People who play radios in public places.
—Baseball or basketball scores on the radio for teams I don’t care anything about.
—People who stand too close to my face when they’re talking to me. I think they’re cousins of the people who move you gradually over toward the buildings when you walk down the street with them.
—Screws with slots that aren’t deep enough so that they tear when you twist with the screwdriver.
Rules of Life 265
—Having to check a shopping bag when I go into a store. I know shoplifting is a problem but I don’t like the idea of being a suspect.
—Cars with too many red taillights.
Rules of Life
What follows are some rules of life:
—Don’t pin much hope on the mail, and when the phone rings, don’t
expect anything wonderful from that, either.
—If everyone knew the whole truth about everything, it would be a
better world.
—Any line you choose to stand in during your life will usually turn
out to be the one that moves the slowest.
—The best things in life are not free, they’re expensive. Good health
is an example.
—If you wonder what anyone thinks of you, consider what you think
of them.
—Don’t take a butcher’s advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he’d
be a chef.
—Anything you look for in the Yellow Pages will not be listed in the
category you first try to find it under. Start with the second. Keep in
mind cars are under A for “automobiles.”
—Not everyone has a right to his own opinion. If he doesn’t know
the facts, his opinion doesn’t count.
—If you think you may possibly have forgotten something, there is
no doubt about it. You’ve forgotten something.
—Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what
happens.
—The model you own is the only one they ever had that trouble with. —Hoping and praying are easier but do not produce as good results
as hard work.
—Wherever you go for whatever reason, it will turn out you should
have been there last week.
—When you buy something, it’s always a seller’s market. When you
sell something, it’s always a buyer’s market.
—The same things keep happening to the same people. —Enthusiasm on the job gets you further than education or brains. —Money is not the root of all evil.
—Every so often you ought to do something dangerous. It doesn’t
have to be physical.
—Patience is a virtue. Impatience is a virtue, too.
—All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they
were under the law.
—The people who write poetry are no smarter than the rest of us,
and don’t let them make you think they are.
—Patriotism is only an admirable trait when the person who has a
lot of it lives in the same country you do.
—Apologizing for doing something wrong is nowhere near as good
as doing it right in the first place.
—If you want something you can’t have, it is usually best to change
what you want.
—The only way to live is as though there were an answer to every
problem—although there isn’t.
—New developments in science and new inventions in industry
don’t usually improve our lives much; the most we can hope is that
they’ll help us stay even.
—You may be wrong.
—You should be careful about when to go to all the trouble it takes to
be different.
—It is impossible to feel sorry for everyone who deserves being felt
sorry for.
—One of the best things about life is that we are happy more than
we are unhappy.
—Not many of us are able to change our lives on purpose; we are all
permanent victims of the way we are, but we should proceed as though
this were not true.
The Following Things are True
A great number of people are unsure of what’s true and what isn’t. From time to time, in an effort to help those who are confused, I present lists of things that are true. Herewith:
—More movies are too long than too short.
—In spite of any recession, prices always go up. They may not be going up as fast in hard times, but they still go up.
—If Beethoven was played as loud as rock music, I wouldn’t like