• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

—People don’t think they really look like pictures of themselves.

—You don’t see as many parakeets or canaries in cages as you used to.

—Chinese food isn’t as popular as it was twenty years ago. Here, I mean. It’s just as popular as ever in China.

—Self-service hasn’t made gas any cheaper.

—A gas station attendant always screws the cap back on the tank tighter than I do.

—If there was no crime, local television news broadcasts would have to go out of business.

—Considering how poor they say they are in Russia these days, it’s surprising how many of them wear those mink hats.

—Imelda Marcos’ popularity in the Philippines is enough to shake your faith in democracy.

—Cough drops aren’t much help when you want to stop coughing.

—We’re all a little prejudiced about something.

—We make more friends than we have time to keep, but we make more enemies than we have time to fight, so it evens out.

—Believing there are differences in races doesn’t make anyone a racist.

—It’s surprising how convincingly someone who’s guilty can say he didn’t do it.

—There’s a delicate balance between the pleasure of being with people and the pleasure of being alone.

—Things are at their worst when you can’t sleep in the middle of the night.

—A lot of people spend too much time being careful.

—People who say that breakfast is their favorite meal don’t enjoy food much.

—Getting up and down off the floor is easier when you’re young.

—It doesn’t snow as much as it used to and, furthermore, it never did.

—If you have a vague feeling you may have forgotten something, it’s absolutely certain that you’ve forgotten something.

—The handicapped don’t use many of the parking spaces set aside for them.

—We all assume we’re smarter than when we were younger—but probably not.

—Licking a stamp or an envelope is a disgusting thing to do.

—No matter where you stood, the war in Vietnam was one of the worst episodes in American history.

—You get so used to what everyone looks like in their clothes that you don’t think about what anyone looks like naked—and it’s a good thing.

—When checking a cookbook, look for the noun, not the adjective. For molasses cookies, don’t look for “molasses.” Look under “Cookies, molasses.”

—We’re lucky the Japanese don’t speak English.

—Generally speaking, shoes don’t fit very well. We just get used to where they hurt.

—Cheerleaders with short skirts and megaphones are out-of-date and have no effect whatsoever on the performance of the team they are exhorting.

—People use coffee tables a lot more to put junk and magazines on than they use them to put coffee on, but the name sticks anyway.

—A dining room table twenty-nine inches high is too tall to eat from comfortably, but that’s what most tables are. In some restaurants, the table is too high and the chair is too low.

—All television programs should be broadcast simultaneously on radio.

—Three-quarters of the homeowners in America never use their front door.

—Men’s undershirts aren’t long enough when you’re working around the house Saturday because they pull out at the waist when you bend over.

—I don’t drink beer from a bottle and I don’t see why anyone ever drinks it from a can. I don’t drink a beer very often and cannot imagine drinking two. When I drink a beer, it tastes best if I wet the glass and chill it in the freezer for a few minutes first. Two make me bilious.

—No one in prison for murder is guilty when they tell their story on television. I’ve never seen a guilty murderer.

—Two-door cars are a pain in the neck and I’m never buying another.

—They ought to play the second half of the Monday Night Football game first so we’d all know how it came out without staying up past midnight.

—It’s apparent to me how old I am when I read in the paper that they’re handing out condoms to kids in the New York City schools. I didn’t know what one was in high school and wouldn’t mention the word in mixed company to this day.

—The shades are always down in my office. If it’s a beautiful day outside, I don’t want to know.

—People who don’t remember