Andy Rooney_ 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit - Andy Rooney [121]
—When you come up to the checkout counter in the supermarket with a shopping cart full of groceries, the cashier always says, “Will that be all?” or “Is that it?” Does she think you’re just leaving the stuff with her while you go get more?
—There is a definite difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi Cola and one is clearly better than the other. I can’t even drink the other.
—They say squid and octopus are catching on in American kitchens but not in ours.
—Most kids in school like their teachers.
—Not many Americans could fill in a blank map with names of the United States even if it had the outline of the states on it.
—Stores with the cheapest merchandise use cheap bags that often break through at the bottom before you get to the car.
—If it wasn’t so annoying, it would be amusing to hear politicians speak less than the truth most of the time.
—I’m fed up with stories every year about whether this is going to be a good or a bad Christmas for stores. There’s just so much economic news I want at Christmas. What I want to know is, is it going to be a good year for us?
—It’s hard to get used to your age no matter what age you are. The trouble is, you’re that age for such a short time. Just when you begin to get used to it, you get older.
—When I hear a promotional ad on television for news shows and they tell me about a story they’re going to have on tomorrow, I don’t watch it. If they knew what the story was yesterday, it’s not news, it’s history.
—It’s easy to start hating someone on a television news broadcast. If the newscaster’s mannerisms annoy you, man or woman, you start paying more attention to them than to the news and it ruins the show for you. It accounts for why you hear people say, “I can’t stand Peter Jennings. I hate Dan Rather. Tom Brokaw is terrible.” Not to mention Andy Rooney, of course.
—Less than half the fresh fruit you buy is any good, but you keep buying it anyway. You’re always hoping for that perfect tangerine, that perfect melon, that perfect peach or pear. Most fruit-store fruit rots before it ripens. Melons are the most expensive disappointment. Only one out of ten is any good. Unfortunately, that can be great.
—On vacation I sleep less. I hate to waste it.
—When you pump your own gas at a self-service place, it’s hard not to end up with a little gas on your hands. There might be a market for a machine that dispenses little packets containing a piece of wet cloth or paper that you could clean your hands with. I’d pay a nickel but not a quarter. Maybe that’s the business we’ll go into.
—It’s difficult to stop the gas pump on an even amount of money.
—You still see someone paddling a canoe on a lake or river once in a while, but I haven’t seen anyone rowing a boat in years. The basic flaw in a rowboat has always been that you can’t see where you’re getting to.
—There’s too much glass in a car on a hot, sunny day. We don’t need all that windshield to see out.
—There are a lot of things around the house that aren’t any good that I don’t throw out.
—I’ve passed a lot of Christian Science reading rooms in cities around the country, but I’ve never seen anyone reading in one. I’m not sure whether they’re for Christian Scientists or whether they’re to attract people from other religions to Christian Science.
—People don’t know much about any religion but their own—and a lot of times, they don’t know much about that one, either.
—It’s hard not to drop at least one sock or a piece of underwear when you’re emptying the clothes dryer.
—The weather is almost always something other than normal.
—Hollywood movies are the best art America produces.
—I can’t help wondering where all the Russians are today who bugged the hotel rooms of American visitors and spied on everyone who came there just a few years ago.
—The pencil that comes with an expensive pen and pencil set is never satisfactory. You have to be able to sharpen a pencil.
—If the mailman knew what I was going to throw out without opening, he could save both of us a lot of