Being Kendra_ Cribs, Cocktails, and Getting My Sexy Back - Kendra Wilkinson [47]
We had sex all throughout my pregnancy. We were not gentle at all. Sure, we were careful at first, because the first month is the most risky, but once we realized we couldn’t hurt the baby (or poke it), we started to relax and get really wild. By the third month, around the time of our wedding, we were having a ton of sex. I loved feeling different, I loved the fullness in my body. It really made me feel like a woman, and Hank didn’t mind the extra weight. It’s almost like having sex with a completely different person when their body is so much bigger! As you know, we had sex in the back of a limo on the way to the hotel. I basically just threw my wedding dress over my head and we had sex. Something about being pregnant made me super horny. I wanted a lot of sex and Hank was happy to oblige. At the end of my pregnancy, it got more difficult because I was so heavy. It just became awkward and there’s not much you can do except plain old stick it in.
But as any mom knows, in the months directly after the birth, the sex situation can get a little tense. For us, it was a disaster, for me especially. After Hank Jr. was born, sex went out the window big-time. There were a variety of reasons, one of which was the C-section I had, so I was in pain. The last thing I wanted to do was physical activity, let alone have sex (not to mention the six-week “no sex” rule the doctors advised). But in addition to any physical pain, mentally I wasn’t there either. I felt fat, I felt ugly, and now that I was a mom I thought I had to be very conservative.
I got a whole new wardrobe complete with turtlenecks and “mom jeans.” I just assumed that a mom shouldn’t be dressing sexy anymore. I thought I had to do away with my thongs and tight tops. Plus, regardless of what I assumed, I just wasn’t feeling sexy anyway. Covering up seemed like a smart thing to do. I started wearing stuff that wasn’t me, clothes that made me depressed. I didn’t know it but dressing like someone else, thinking I had to act a different way, and looking in the mirror and not knowing who I was could be a really depressing thing. I was lost. I wasn’t being myself, and our sex life suffered. I wore oversize outfits while purposely trying to hide my body. The amount of sex we were having went down to twice a month. I finally realized what was going on after my bout with postpartum depression and I changed and started to be me again. But it took forever.
I had given in to all of that labeling stuff, ideas about what I should be doing and what I shouldn’t. Why was I going to be someone I’m not? Having a baby doesn’t mean I can’t dress sexy or act a certain way. Our little boy is going to grow up and know me and who I am and what I do and what I’ve done and he’s going to love me and I’m going to love him. Love is all that matters—not what you wear and how you wear it. I think a lot of us get caught up in too many other ideas of who we should be around our children. My mind was clouded.
After pregnancy I dealt with a lot of heavy emotional stuff. And one of the side effects of all that was that I lost my sex drive. I didn’t know who I was. I felt self-conscious. And I had my C-section scar and I didn’t want Hank or anyone to see. I’d turn the lights off because I had my stitches down there and it was just gross. I see it every single day, although now it’s more of a reminder than a bother. It’s so much a part of me now I don’t even think of it as a scar, it’s just there. But at first I hated it. It was a long red cut with black stitches and it was nasty. And it really hurt because any time I bent over or moved quickly, the stitches and the scar would stretch. Still to this day when I do an abs workout, I feel like I don’t have feeling or tightness in my ab muscles anymore, and my scar still tingles. The C-section