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Helping a Friend Who Has Lost Her Job

Be there for her

Listen to what happened. Let her tell her story. Don’t pry unnecessarily. Don’t recite all the grim unemployment statistics she’s already been bombarded with by the media. Tell her that you’re sorry and will do what you can to help.

Follow her lead

Losing a job is a little like losing a loved one (or losing a friend). People go through stages from anger to acceptance. Don’t try to talk her out of her feelings. Don’t tell her you know how she feels because you really can’t put yourself in her shoes.

Reach out

If she hasn’t told you about her job loss directly, give her a call or send her an email acknowledging the loss. True friends don’t pretend not to know about bad things. It may be hard for her to repeat the same story to everyone she knows.

Offer concrete help

Do you have networking ideas to share? Job leads? Can you help her brainstorm?

Don’t be cloyingly annoying

E-mail or call regularly but don’t come on too strong or too often. There’s nothing more annoying than being constantly asked if you’ve found a job yet. Wait for her to tell you.

Distract her

Remind her that there are other parts of life beyond work. Offer to take her to dinner or a movie. Invite her to a Girls’ Night In with a small group of close friends.

Offer her a bridge loan

Many people say that friends and money don’t mix, but if you can afford it and she really needs it—and she’s a close friend—offer a modest loan to help tide her over this rough period.

Watch for signs of (emotional) depression

Recognize that extended unemployment takes an emotional toll. If your friend seems very distressed, tell someone close to her (perhaps a relative) and/or suggest that she seek professional help.

GOING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

Money can also create a tremendous divide between good friends. If one friend suddenly inherits a huge amount of money, marries a very wealthy man, wins the lottery, or is catapulted to an executive position, it may change the way she leads her life and place her in a different social circle. Even though she may still cling to old friendships, the friends she left behind may feel jealous, resentful, or inadequate. On a more practical level, they may not be able to eat in the same chic restaurants or order expensive wines. Yet it can also be uncomfortable for them if the well-heeled friend generously offers to pay their way. Of course, both friends can be work out this problem sensitively, making sure that money doesn’t get into the way of the friendship. Perhaps, they choose to dine out less lavishly so they can split the bill.

As mentioned previously, substance abuse or mental disorders like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression can set the stage for unanticipated tensions in a friendship. In some instances, these disorders make it extraordinarily difficult for a woman to sustain healthy relationships.

Mindy and Faith became close friends about a year ago. They lived in the same small town and hit it off right away, becoming “super close really fast,” as Mindy described to me. They had remarkably similar interests, desires, and goals. Their toddler daughters were born two weeks apart and the women, with kids in tow, spent many hours together each day. When they weren’t together, they phoned, texted, and e-mailed each other. They took a memorable trip to California together with their respective families over the summer; they rented a van and drove along the Pacific Coast Highway from San Francisco to San Diego. They felt and acted like one big family; Mindy considered Faith the sister she’d never had.

Mindy noticed that off and on, her friend would shut down and ignore her for days at a time, not returning any of her calls or messages. “I thought it was odd,” she says, “but I wasn’t especially concerned about it at the time.” When Mindy asked her friend about it, Faith would always have an excuse,