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I took a seat across from an attractive woman who smiled at me. After that, the rest of the interaction flowed. I realized that she had taken that proverbial first step. A simple smile, a warm welcome, or a sincere expression of interest in another person are little steps that lay the foundation for friendships.

Depending on your age or stage in life, you can find fertile fields for cultivating friendships at school, at work, at the gym, volunteering at a community organization, attending an event in the local library, or shopping at a supermarket picking out tomatoes. While initially we don’t seem like we are cut from the same cloth, Donna, my hairstylist for the last decade, has turned into one of my closest friends. Each of these environments offers opportunities if you leave yourself open to them. Befriending usually starts with that smile and a “pick-up line” that defines some commonality between you and another person. For example:

In school: Are you in my intro psych class on Thursday afternoons?

In the library: Don’t I recall seeing you at the library last Friday?

In the grocery store: Do you take the same train as I do in the morning?

At your child’s school: My daughter is really excited about the class trip next week; is yours?

At the gym: This patch of rainy weather is really getting to me. How about you?

At the party: I love your purse. Where did you find it?

At the PTA meeting: Was your son in my son’s third-grade class?

At work: Let’s go to lunch so I can hear more about your trip to Ireland. I’ve always wanted to go there.

At the Scrabble course: Have you been playing Scrabble for a long time?

Some women desperately want to make friends but are held back by their own anxiety. “I don’t have any female friends,” one woman says. “I say ‘yes’ to plans and then start panicking about what to do, say, and wear, and ultimately think of an excuse so I don’t have to go. I suffer from severe anxiety and it really cripples my ability to trust.”

If you feel like you are always being evaluated by others and it’s standing in the way of your friendships, you may have a treatable condition called social anxiety. The National Institute of Mental Health describes some of the hallmark symptoms. (See box on facing page.)

Thinking that they are merely shy, some women with social anxiety go undiagnosed and untreated for years, unable to sustain relationships, yet social anxiety is eminently treatable.

More than Shy: Could It Be Social Anxiety?

• Anxiety being around other people

• Feeling self-conscious in front of other people, and worrying about how you will act

• Being afraid of being embarrassed in front of other people

• Being afraid that other people will judge you

• Worrying for days or weeks before an event where other people will be

• Staying away from places where there are other people

• Having a hard time making friends and keeping friends

• Having physical symptoms when you are with other people, such as blushing, heavy sweating, trembling, nausea, or having a hard time talking

FRIENDS AT SCHOOL

Clearly, adolescence and young adulthood are a prime time not only to hone your skills in making and keeping friends but also to make what may turn out to be long-lasting friendships. Never again does someone have as many choices and the advantage of proximity. During elementary school, middle school, high school, and especially the college years, women are surrounded by same-age peers, who are at a similar stage in their lives sharing many of the same experiences.

Social media like MySpace and Facebook are facilitating college friendships. For example, incoming college freshmen can identify and connect with their peers prior to leaving home. Using IM or e-mail, roomies-to-be can introduce themselves and learn about each other before they come face-to-face (with cell phone cameras, webcams, or uploaded pictures on Facebook—allowing them to even see one another online). Once on campus, students