Bike Snob - Anonymous [34]
Inevitably, then, you’re going to find yourself drawn into some kind of altercation, and that’s a tricky thing. Even though I’m generally cantankerous and irritable to the extent that I have no trouble getting into arguments with inanimate objects (yes, I’ve actually gotten lost and yelled at streets for not being where I remember them), I also feel that fighting (whether verbal or physical) should be a last resort and avoided at all costs. Whether that’s because I’m in tune with some higher truth (doubtful) or I’ve been duped into accepting the ethics put forth by the Judeo-Christian cultural hegemony I don’t know, but in any event that’s what I believe.
But just because I believe it doesn’t mean I follow it. (And what’s more Judeo-Christian than not following your own beliefs?) In reality, I get into arguments with people on the road fairly regularly. Usually, they’re motorists, and usually, they’ve just done something to endanger me. And when somebody does something that puts you at risk, you have to be a Gandhi or a Jesus or a Buddha to not get mad. Either that, or just some kind of drooling, vapid, stoned jellyfish. And I’m far from a Gandhi, or a Jesus, or a Buddha, nor am I a drooling, vapid, stoned jellyfish. However, a driver who throws his car into reverse to snag a parking space halfway down the block and almost mows me down in the process does have the power to make me into a drooling, vapid, stoned jellyfish. That’s not something I want to be. I get angry—angry enough to melt cheese with my eyes.
At this point, I’m torn. On the one hand, the higher truth and/or Judeo-Christian propaganda to which I subscribe tells me to turn the other cheek, revel smugly in my own superiority, and perhaps even offer the driver some tea. However, the enraged part of me feels that this person has no idea what they almost just did to me, and that they must be told—loudly, and with lots of obscenities. I want to drown them in the melted pepper jack cheese of my anger. And I do feel there’s some validity to that. After all, if someone has no idea they almost killed a cyclist, how can they be expected to drive smarter and more carefully in the future? What’s to stop them from doing it again if they had no idea they did it in the first place? Does someone have to die for them to learn? Perhaps by getting angry at them they’ll be more careful next time and I’ll have actually saved a life! And what’s more Gandhiriffic than that? (Plus, you get to use the F-word!)
This is where things get really tricky. If you’re going to confront someone, you’d better make sure you’re right. There’s probably nothing in the world more dangerous than thinking you’re right. That attitude caused everything from the Salem witch trials to Cuba Gooding, Jr., taking that role in Boat Trip. Thinking you’re right is exactly like having way too much to drink and thinking that you’re perfectly fine to drive. Righteousness is intoxicating, and that very intoxication gets you into trouble.
Moreover, cyclists can be just as wrong as anybody else. I once watched some doofus on a hybrid bicycle riding on the sidewalk. He almost hit some older woman’s dog. The woman, justifiably, got angry. In turn, the cyclist, who stupidly thought he was doing nothing wrong, actually shouted “fucking bitch,” and he wasn’t referring to the dog. (The dog looked more like a “Pookie” anyway.) The woman’s retort was simply, “Be a man. Ride in the street.” I couldn’t agree more. If you change the word “man” to “cyclist” that could actually be the motto of the cycling nation.
Chances are if you can’t say something calmly you’re probably wrong on some level. Whenever possible, instead of shouting, I try to simply say, “Do you know you almost