Brave Story - Miyuki Miyabe [245]
“And if I said I was fine with that?”
“Perhaps you are fine with that now. Perhaps you would be fine for a year. Perhaps even five.”
But what about the future?
“I believe you would reach a point in your life when you would regret your decision. You would regret having given up your only chance to change your destiny because you lost to your fear of being chosen as the sacrifice, you lost to your anger at the cruelty of the tradition. You will feel responsible, and you will hold your friends responsible as well. You gave up your chance to save them from being chosen. If no one had been kind to you while you were in Vision, perhaps you wouldn’t have cared who was chosen to be the sacrifice. This is what you will think. You would think that, instead of letting yourself be chosen as a sacrifice, you should have overtaken the other Traveler, changed your destiny and gone home before he had the chance. Yes, you will grind your teeth and spit curses in your regret. All the unhappiness and ill luck that befalls you in the real world will be due to that one decision you made here in Vision. And then the ultimate irony: your wounded, hating heart will create another Vision, filled with horrors more terrible than any prejudice.”
I won’t—I won’t ever be like that, Wataru thought, but he couldn’t say it out loud.
“You see? You have not yet found the true path,” Dr. Baksan said, his voice becoming gentle. “That is why the decisions you make now betray your future. Make no mistake, you would betray yourself. The Elder of Sakawa was right. Take his words at face value. It is no riddle. Find the path, and meet the Goddess. I will give you the same advice. It is the only advice I can give.”
Dr. Baksan let go of Wataru’s hand and looked up at the domed ceiling. “When the sun sets, you will walk the pattern beneath the stars and go home to the real world for a short time. I will not ask whom you will meet, or whom you will speak with. Nor will I ask you anything upon your return. Follow your heart, Traveler. Should you decide to abandon your journey, and only then, come to my study. I will send a letter to Wayfinder Lau and arrange for your passage back through the Porta Nectere.”
“Have there been Travelers in the past who have just given up like that?”
“Of course. It is not unusual for a Traveler to end his journey before it is finished. The ancient books tell of this. Some returned to the real world, and others, though there are few, remain here in Vision. I suppose one could find a certain sort of peace living in a world that reflects the inner workings of one’s own heart.”
Wataru hung his head. I can’t do it. I can’t run away to the real world, not now.
“I’m going to see Mom,” Wataru said, lifting his head.
He passed through the Corridor of Light to find himself, once again, in a hospital room. This time it wasn’t night, but evening. His mother was sitting up in bed, enveloped by the pale pinkish light of the setting sun. She was staring out the window.
Wataru popped out of the corridor and came down by the side of her bed. Kuniko didn’t seem to notice. She was very thin. She looked much older, but she was still his mother. His throat choked up with a combination of homesickness and guilt.
“Mom?” Wataru called out softly. He was surprised at how weak his own voice sounded. He wanted to talk to her, and at the same time he didn’t want to see her looking so sad. For a moment he thought it would be better if he just left and came back when it was all over. What good would it do to talk to her now while everything was still unclear? Wouldn’t it make her worry more?
He was on the verge of turning around when Kuniko lifted a hand and wiped at her eyes. She was crying. Tears made a line down her cheek in the fading light.
The realization shook Wataru even further. I can’t leave her here to cry. That’s worse than making her worry more. If I leave her now, she won’t make it until I get back. Her body will wither away. Her heart will crumble to dust.
Wataru’s journey was no longer for him alone.