Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer [102]
We both laughed once.
Im sorry about this, Jacob. Im sorry youre in pain. Im sorry its getting worse and not better.
Thanks, Leah.
She thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head, while I tried to tune her out without much success. She was able to look at them with some distance, some perspective, and I had to admit that this was helpful. I could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a few years.
She saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around vampires. She liked my ragging on Rosalie, chuckling internally and even running through a few blonde jokes in her mind that I might be able to work in. But then her thoughts turned serious, lingering on Rosalies face in a way that confused me.
You know whats crazy? she asked.
Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?
That blond vampire you hate so much-I totally get her perspective.
For a second I thought she was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And then, when I realized she was serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard to control. It was a good thing wed spread out to run our watch. If shed been within biting distance
Hold up! Let me explain!
Dont want to hear it. Im outta here.
Wait! Wait! she pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back. Cmon, Jake!
Leah, this isnt really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future.
Yeesh! What an overreaction. You dont even know what Im talking about.
So what are you talking about?
And then she was suddenly the pain-hardened Leah from before. Im talking about being a genetic dead end, Jacob.
The vicious edge to her words left me floundering. I hadnt expected to have my anger trumped.
I dont understand.
You would, if you werent just like the rest of them. If my female stuff-she thought the words with a hard, sarcastic tone-didnt send you running for cover just like any stupid male, so you could actually pay attention to what it all means.
Oh.
Yeah, so none of us like to think about that stuff with her. Who would? Of course I remembered Leahs panic that first month after she joined the pack-and I remembered cringing away from it just like everyone else. Because she couldnt be pregnant-not unless there was some really freaky religious immaculate crap going on. She hadnt been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks dragged on and nothing turned into more nothing, shed realized that her body wasnt following the normal patterns anymore. The horror-what was she now? Had her body changed because shed become a werewolf? Or had she become a werewolf because her body was wrong? The only female werewolf in the history of forever. Was that because she wasnt as female as she should be?
None of us had wanted to deal with that breakdown. Obviously, it wasnt like we could empathize.
You know why Sam thinks we imprint, she thought, calmer now.
Sure. To carry on the line.
Right. To make a bunch of new little werewolves. Survival of the species, genetic override. Youre drawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene.
I waited for her to tell me where she was going with this.
If I was any good for that, Sam would have been drawn to me.
Her pain was enough that I broke stride under it.
But Im not. Theres something wrong with me. I dont have the ability to pass on the gene, apparently, despite my stellar bloodlines. So I become a freak-the girlie-wolf- good for nothing else. Im a genetic dead end and we both know it.
We do not, I argued with her. Thats just Sams theory. Imprinting happens, but we dont know why. Billy thinks its something else.
I know, I know. He thinks youre imprinting to make stronger wolves. Because you and Sam are such humongous monsters-bigger than our fathers. But either way, Im still not a candidate. Im Im menopausal. Im twenty years old and Im menopausal.
Ugh. I so didnt want to have this conversation. You dont know that, Leah. Its probably just the whole frozen-in-time thing.