Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer [61]
Doesnt look like it to me. So whats your plan? I hope you have one.
She nodded, not meeting my eyes. Did you know Esme jumped off a cliff? When she was human, I mean.
So?
So she was close enough to dead that they didnt even bother taking her to the emergency room-they took her right around to the morgue. Her heart was still beating, though, when Carlisle found her
Thats what shed meant before, about keeping her heart beating.
Youre not planning on surviving this human, I stated dully.
No. Im not stupid. She met my stare then. I guess you probably have your own opinion on that point, though.
Emergency vampirization, I mumbled.
It worked for Esme. And Emmett, and Rosalie, and even Edward. None of them were in such great shape. Carlisle only changed them because it was that or death. He doesnt end lives, he saves them.
I felt a sudden twinge of guilt about the good vampire doctor, like before. I shoved the thought away and started in on the begging.
Listen to me, Bells. Dont do it that way. Like before, when the call from Charlie had come, I could see how much difference it really made to me. I realized I needed her to stay alive, in some form. In any form. I took a deep breath. Dont wait until its too late, Bella. Not that way. Live. Okay? Just live. Dont do this to me. Dont do it to him. My voice got harder, louder. You know what hes going to do when you die. Youve seen it before. You want him to go back to those Italian killers? She cringed into the sofa.
I left out the part about how that wouldnt be necessary this time.
Struggling to make my voice softer, I asked, Remember when I got mangled up by those newborns? What did you tell me?
I waited, but she wouldnt answer. She pressed her lips together.
You told me to be good and listen to Carlisle, I reminded her. And what did I do? I listened to the vampire. For you.
You listened because it was the right thing to do.
Okay-pick either reason.
She took a deep breath. Its not the right thing now. Her gaze touched her big round stomach and she whispered under her breath, I wont kill him.
My hands shook again. Oh, I hadnt heard the great news. A bouncing baby boy, huh? Shoulda brought some blue balloons.
Her face turned pink. The color was so beautiful-it twisted in my stomach like a knife. A serrated knife, rusty and ragged.
I was going to lose this. Again.
I dont know hes a boy, she admitted, a little sheepish. The ultrasound wouldnt work. The membrane around the baby is too hard-like their skin. So hes a little mystery. But I always see a boy in my head.
Its not some pretty baby in there, Bella.
Well see, she said. Almost smug.
You wont, I snarled.
Youre very pessimistic, Jacob. There is definitely a chance that I might walk away from this.
I couldnt answer. I looked down and breathed deep and slow, trying to get a grip on my fury.
Jake, she said, and she patted my hair, stroked my cheek. Its going to be okay. Shh. Its okay.
I didnt look up. No. It will not be okay.
She wiped something wet from my cheek. Shh.
Whats the deal, Bella? I stared at the pale carpet. My bare feet were dirty, leaving smudges. Good. I thought the whole point was that you wanted your vampire more than anything. And now youre just giving him up? That doesnt make any sense. Since when are you desperate to be a mom? If you wanted that so much, why did you marry a vampire?
I was dangerously close to that offer he wanted me to make. I could see the words taking me that way, but I couldnt change their direction.
She sighed. Its not like that. I didnt really care about having a baby. I didnt even think about it. Its not just having a baby. Its well this baby.
Its a killer, Bella. Look at yourself.
Hes not. Its me. Im just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I can-
Aw, come on! Shut up, Bella. You can spout this crap to your bloodsucker, but youre not fooling me. You know youre not going to make it.
She glared at me. I do not know that. Im worried about it, sure.
Worried about it, I repeated through my teeth.