Cannot Wait to Get to Heaven - Fannie Flagg [62]
“What?”
“Yes, Bud, she’s somehow defied the odds and lived. Praise the Lord.”
After Bud hung up, he vowed that was the last time he ever reported anything on the show that had not been verified. Now he knew just how CNN and FOX News felt when they jumped the gun on a story. He quickly jotted down a note to give Bill Dollar of the Dollar Bill and Pattie afternoon show that was currently on the air. He wanted to get it announced as soon as possible. In a few minutes, after Pattie finished doing the commercial, Bill, just having read the note handed to him, said to his cohost, “Well, Pattie, it looks as if we’ve had a little miscomputation somewhere down the line. According to Bud, Mrs. Elner Shimfissle of Elmwood Springs has not passed away, as earlier reported this morning on the Shop and Swap show, and evidently is very much alive. Sorry about that, folks…What was it that Mark Twain said, ‘The news of my death has been greatly exaggerated.’ Well, it seems like that’s the case here.” Pattie was laughing and called out to Bud, who was standing in the control room. “Hey, Bud, you kinda jumped the gun on Mrs. Shimfissle, didn’t you? I’m sure if she was listening it was news to her. Well, anyhow…welcome back to the living, Mrs. Shimfissle!”
By the time the last report was broadcast over the air, Luther Griggs was already out of state and long out of the WDOT listening area, but was still thinking about what an impact Miss Elner had had on his life. True, he had spent six months in the state prison because he had trashed his daddy’s and his daddy’s new wife’s trailer while they had been in Nashville attending a Clint Black concert. He had taken only what was rightfully his: hunting boots, a gun, four Kennedy silver dollars, and a television set that his daddy had kept when he had thrown Luther out the last time. But nevertheless, they called it breaking and entering, and when he had been in jail, Elner had sent him some fig preserves with a note.
“Honey, don’t get yourself all tattooed up, that’s all I ask.”
Luther had wanted the flaming sword with “Jesus Saves” on his shoulder, but didn’t get it. He was the only person his age, man or woman, who did not have at least a nose ring or something, but he had not wanted to disappoint Elner. He was sorry about not being able to be there for the funeral. At one time she had picked him to be one of her pallbearers, before she’d changed her mind and decided to have herself cremated instead. He had been disappointed at the time, because he had entertained so many fantasies about himself walking into the church, having people whisper, “There’s Luther Griggs. She thought the world of him, you know. He was like a son to her.” And things like that. He thought that maybe after the funeral was over, he would stand around with the family, maybe right beside Linda, and shake people’s hands. After that he would probably be invited over to the house for food and drinks. He wasn’t sure what all went on at funerals, but he figured as an “official pallbearer” he certainly would have to be included in everything. He had felt important just thinking about it, but now the only thing that was important was the fact that she was dead, and he felt all alone in the world again. He now wished he had a picture of her. When he had worked as an exterminator’s helper one summer, he had seen inside a lot of nice houses and noticed that people had photographs of their families sitting around everywhere. He sure did not want any pictures of his family, but now he thought that it would be nice to have one of Miss Elner in a frame. He could keep it on his dresser.
He planned it all out in his mind as he drove. When he got back he would ask Mrs. Warren if she had a picture of Miss Elner that he could borrow, and then he’d take it out to the Wal-Mart and have them make a copy. He then wished he had a picture of them together. Maybe there was some way the people out at Wal-Mart