Cannot Wait to Get to Heaven - Fannie Flagg [87]
“Good God, she sounds nuts to me.”
“Probably, but she’s a funny nut. Good-humored at least. Quite a relief from the sourpusses I usually get stuck with.”
“Speaking of that, that jerk lawyer Winston Sprague was here earlier, throwing his weight around, talking to everybody like they are dirt. He made one of the girls cry, he was so rude snapping his fingers at her, ordering her around. Who died and made him king, is what I want to know.”
“Yeah. What a little snot he is. I just hope he gets knocked off his high horse someday and I’m there to see it.” She looked around to see if anyone could hear, then said, “I’ll bet he powders his private parts with a powder puff. Don’t you?” The other woman screamed with laughter as softly as she could, considering where she was. Then she said, “You know he does. What a jerk.”
Still Confused
6:58 PM
As Norma drove home from the hospital that night, her mind was spinning. She was still not sure whether to believe Aunt Elner or not. Mr. Pixton said that what she had described had been a very common near-death experience. She had heard about that kind of thing before, so she knew that was certainly a real possibility. And of course Macky was certain that everything Elner thought had happened had been nothing more than a dream, and he could be right, but still Norma wondered. She knew Aunt Elner’s story was insane and probably not true, but she wanted so much to think that there was something or somebody at least checking up on us from time to time, even if it was somebody named Raymond. She had worked so hard at trying to believe. The first thing she did every morning was read the card she had received in her newcomers packet at the Unity Church. She had taped it on the mirror above the bathroom sink.
GOOD MORNING!
This is God.
I am going to handle
All your problems today,
So go in peace.
Have a good day!
Every day she tried to go in peace, turn all her worries and problems over to God, but every day by nine or at least by ten, she would forget he was supposed to be in charge and she would take them back. Why couldn’t she hold out for at least one day, and if He were really there, why didn’t He just say so and quit making it so hard? It’s not like the believers in the world were all nice. They had been killing one another for years. Her own mother had been a Presbyterian and was not very nice—even now that she was dead, according to Aunt Elner. And although he didn’t believe in God, Macky was one of the nicest people in the world. “Oh Lord,” she thought, “no wonder so many people are either drunk or on dope.”
The Jerk
7:03 PM
Winston Sprague sat in his expensive condo with the top-of-the-line television, stereo system, appliances, and personal workout room, paid for by indulging in dubious ethical behavior, and stared at the wall. After Winston had taken the old lady’s deposition, he had returned to his office and had dismissed it as being no big deal. But as the day wore on and he reread the deposition over and over, something about what the old lady said still nagged at him. She had been so damn specific about that damn shoe. He knew she was probably as crazy as a loon, but he had decided just for the hell of it to go back over to the hospital and go up on the roof and take a look around. When he got there, he went up and opened the door to the roof and walked all over the entire area, checked every corner. Nothing but a dead pigeon, and just as he had expected, no shoe. He was halfway embarrassed that he had even checked. As he stood there looking out over Kansas City, he laughed out loud when he thought of the old woman thinking she had floated over the roof and back into the hospital. As he was leaving, he glanced over at the old annex building, where the laundry facilities were now located, and figured while he was at it, he might as well go over and check out that roof as well. But when he got