Choosing to SEE - Mary Beth Chapman [90]
But . . . I will say that I am certain that the world is a better place for knowing who Maria was. I would give anything to have her back . . . to push rewind and go back and have this all be different. But because we can’t, we have to point others to the One who is singing “Happy Birthday” to her now.
So as much as we can, we will use our suffering as a place where people see our hope and our faith.
I’m sad. I’m really, really, catastrophically sad. I’m not sure when it will be better. I guess I will get through this but not ever will I get over it! So I will journey on, knowing that this isn’t my home, and that when I reach my journey’s end, I will be with Maria longer than I will have been without her.
I can’t thank you all enough for the prayers and the support for our family. Please continue to pray for us, but also take time to pray for all families who have suffered loss, that Christ will meet them somewhere in their grief journey and they will encounter Him. Bless you today, on this the birthday reminder of my precious Maria Sue. With that said, I guess I will simply name this blog . . . “I Wanted More.”
36
Balloons, Lady Bugs,
and May 21
Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.
Frederick Buechner
God is it true that You’re thinking of me at this moment?
God is it true that You hear every prayer that I pray?
God is it true every time my heart beats You know it?
Well if it’s all true Then that must be You I hear saying “Trust Me”
“God Is It True (Trust Me)”
Words and music by Steven Curtis Chapman
May 14, 2009
Steven and I went to school to help Stevey Joy’s class remember Maria. The moms had arranged balloons for the kids to write notes on and let go in honor of our sweet Maria. We told the class a few stories and fun memories of Maria, and then everyone wrote their notes.
We then went outside to pray and release our balloons. Steven prayed the sweetest prayer and then, just as God would have it, it was quite windy . . . and we let our balloons go! They blew right up over the church and over the steeple.
Maria loved ladybugs. When we picked out the spot for her shell to be buried, we found a ladybug there. Just about every time we go, a ladybug is there. Maria’s sheets in her room were even ladybugs!
At any rate . . . right after the balloons were released and the kids were squealing with excitement, I heard Stevey Joy yell, “Hey, look!”
As I looked down, a ladybug was crawling up her hand. It crawled to the top of her finger and flew away, just like the balloons.
Later that day, family and friends gathered at our barn, had cupcakes, sang “Happy Birthday” to Maria, and did the same thing again! We wrote notes on the balloons and sent them all at once up into the heavens. Part of me couldn’t help but want to go right along with the balloons . . . to be gathered up by the wind and be swept to heaven to be with Maria.
I said a silent prayer, asking Jesus to come quickly and to give my Maria a big, tight hug and let her know I love her.
May 21, 2009
Never in a million years would I think I would be sitting here on May 21, 2009. Most of my words will seem empty today because I’m kind of in a surreal place in my heart as I try and express this journey that the Chapman family has been on this past year!
Here is what I feel as this day starts out. Sad beyond sad that she isn’t here. Angry and mad that this had to happen. Confused and bewildered that it had to involve Maria’s big brother, who absolutely adored her. Paralyzing fear that I won’t be able to pull through the pain and be able to completely let her go. Speechless to know how to grieve my baby girl, who gave me soooo much laughter and joy, and