Crystal Lies - Melody Carlson [92]
Marcus cleared his throat. “It’s not exactly something you try, Glennis. You have to come here with a willing attitude. You have to want to be healthy.”
“But Jacob told me he was tired of living like that. Remember, Jacob?” I reached over and touched his arm, but he pulled away.
“Just because people say they want help doesn’t mean they do, Glennis.”
I nodded. “Yes, I remember that from the codependent class. Addicts will say whatever they think you want to hear,’” I quoted.
“Sounds like you were paying attention.” Marcus smiled.
“Just because I can say it doesn’t mean I believe it.”
He chuckled. “Good point.”
“So maybe we should quit wasting everyone’s time,” said Jacob, standing. “You don’t want me if I don’t want to be here, right?”
“It won’t do any good,” said Marcus.
Suddenly I felt like screaming. I mean, here I had gone to all this work getting Jacob to come—setting up the appointment, handling him with kid gloves, waiting and worrying. Why couldn’t they just go ahead and enroll him now, and sort out the rest of it later? I felt disappointed in Marcus, too. I had expected him to be more helpful. Honestly, it almost seemed as if he didn’t want Jacob at all.
“But he’s here,” I said. “He’s here right now. And he’s been through the evaluation…and I just don’t see…I mean, can’t he just…” I was starting to sputter and knew I was very close to tears.
Marcus leaned forward now. “I know you really love your son, Glennis. It’s obvious, but you need to accept that you can’t change him. He has to want to change himself.” He turned to look at Jacob, who was standing by the door, ready to leave. “Right, Jacob?”
“That’s right,” snapped Jacob, his hand on the doorknob.
“And, clearly, you don’t want to change,” added Marcus.
“Not at the moment,” said Jacob glibly. “And not here. I know I can change if I want to. But I don’t need this.”
“But you’ve said that before,” I insisted. “And it hasn’t worked, has it?”
“Sometimes it works,” he told me. “Sometimes I go for a week or two without using.”
“But you go back to it,” I reminded him. “You always go back.”
“Like I told Jacob,” said Marcus. “Crystal meth is one of the most addictive substances known to man. It’s nearly impossible to quit without some form of help. He needs therapy and counseling and—”
“I know, I know,” he interrupted. “It’s like you’re beating it into my brain. I just want to get out of here, Mom. Can we go now?”
I felt torn. I glanced over at Marcus, begging him with my eyes to do something.
“I wish I could help,” said Marcus. “I think Jacob has a lot to offer this world, but only in a life of sobriety. Without that, he’ll have nothing.”
“That’s not true,” said Jacob. “I have my music.”
“How’s that going?” asked Marcus with a knowing look. “Is your band getting lots of gigs? Any recording contracts?”
Jacob swore at Marcus, then went out, slamming the door behind him.
“I’m really sorry,” I said.
“It’s not your fault, Glennis.”
I shook my head. “You can say that, but it sure doesn’t feel that way” He stood up now. “You need to keep coming to the codependent classes, you know. Even if Jacob refuses treatment, you still need to take care of yourself. Perhaps even more so if Jacob continues doing meth.” I nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “Believe it or not, I know how you feel right now.”
I frowned. “I don’t think anyone knows how I feel right now.”
“You feel like a failure. You feel like giving up…like God has turned his back on you.”
I studied him closely. “And…I feel like I’ve lost my son.”
“You haven’t lost him yet.”
“Meaning, I could”
“It’s always a possibility.”
“I’d better go,” I said. “I’d better go find him.”
“He can still change his mind, Glennis.”
“Right.” I’m sure my doubt was obvious.
Jacob was standing by the Range Rover, smoking. It was the first time I’d seen him smoke, but even so I was slightly shocked. “You smoke?” He shrugged.
I wanted to grab him and shake him and say,“What’s wrong with you?” But instead I unlocked the Range Rover and climbed in and waited