Flex_ Do Something Different - Ben [54]
The guidelines for this exercise are simple. There are just three of them:
1. Don’t talk about the past.
2. Never use a negative.
3. Don’t assume that what you’ve said has been heard.
It might be helpful if you could cajole a supportive partner or a friend to join in. You could even make it fun by keeping score. The idea is to spot the things in each other’s conversation that we are asking you not to say. Just one day, or even half a day, may be enough to give you insight. Every time you say one of these it costs you one point (or token, or even pounds if you like!). Keep a running score and see who’s the best at watching their language. Or do it on your own and catch yourself when you break any of these rules.
1. Don’t talk about the past – make the future
It is so easy to live in the past with your language. We habitually talk about the past to justify what we think and do, even if what we say does not really match how we currently feel or our present lives. People often have a rosy view of the past, convince themselves that things aren’t what they used to be, wallow in nostalgia or dwell on memories of things that have happened. But it can give them a distorted view of the present, or mean that they don’t appreciate what they have in the here and now. We learn to talk about ourselves and our lives in certain ways that can become outdated because we move on. So try to:
Catch yourself. Notice whenever you are talking about the past and stop yourself if you can.
Put it into the future tense. Turn a thought or reference to the past into one about the future. Instead of saying that things used to be better, talk instead about how things will be better in the future. You might, for example, try having a conversation with your partner or friend in which you never use the past tense at all! Instead of ‘I did…’, ‘We did…’, ‘You were…’, ‘We used to…’, ‘It was…’, you’d use instead sentences that begin ‘I shall…’, ‘We will…’.
Once you try this you may be surprised at how often references to the past creep into conversation. It will take some practice so you might want to begin by just outlawing one type of past reference (for example, not referring to past mistakes). Habits are, of course, merely the past repeating itself, so make sure your language isn’t providing a home for your habits.
2. Drop the negative – make it positive
In every conversation that takes place today, avoid all negative words. Replace them with positive ones. Try not to use ‘don’t’ or ‘can’t’, ‘shouldn’t’, ‘couldn’t’, ‘mustn’t’, ‘won’t’, ‘haven’t’. Instead, work at littering your language with more words like ‘do’, ‘can’, ‘should’, could’, ‘must’, ‘will’, ‘have’, etc.
To begin with, you may be surprised at how many times you use the negative way of putting something, rather than the positive. You might like simply to spend time monitoring what you and others say so that you can learn to ‘catch yourself’ being negative.
3. Check that what you’ve said has been heard
A lot of arguments and misunderstandings happen because we assume that the meaning of what we’ve said has been communicated well. Very often, it hasn’t and we should make allowances for this. In fact, it may always be safe to assume that what you have said may not have been properly understood. This is not the other person’s fault. It’s all to do with the limitations of language.
Here’s a way you can demonstrate this. Next time you and another person close to you are discussing something, perhaps a topic that often leads to an argument, try this:
Each time one person says something the other person has to repeat back what they think they have understood.
If they don’t get it right, the first person says it again.
Then the partner tries again to say back to them what they’ve heard.
Once they have agreed, the other partner makes their point and the first person tries to state it back.
You may be surprised at what the other person thinks you have said! People very often ‘hear’ speech in a different way from what the speaker intended. Even minor differences between