Focus - Leo Babauta [22]
Become aware. You can't change things in your head if you're not aware of them. You have to become an observer of your thoughts, a self-examiner. Be aware that you're becoming upset, so that you can do something about it. It helps to keep tally marks in a little notebook for a week -- every time you get upset, put a little tally. That's all -- just keep tally. And soon, because of that little act, you will become more aware of your anger and frustration.
Breathe. When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, take a deep breath. Take a few. This is an important step that allows you to calm down and do the rest of the things below. Practice this by itself and you'll have come a long way already.
Get perspective. If you get angry over something happening -- your car breaks down, your kids ruin something you're working on -- take a deep breath, and take a step back. Let your mind's eye zoom away, until you're far away above your life. Then whatever happened doesn't seem so important. A week from now, a year from now, this little incident won't matter a single whit. No one will care, not even you. So why get upset about it? Just let it go, and soon it won't be a big deal.
Practice. It's important to realize that, just like when you learn any skill, you probably won't be good at this at first. Who is good when they are first learning to write, or read, or drive? No one I know. Skills come with practice. So when you first learn to go with the flow, you will mess up. You will stumble and fall. That's OK -- it's part of the process. Just keep practicing, and you'll get the hang of it.
Laugh. It helps to see things as funny, rather than frustrating. Car broke down in the middle of traffic and I have no cell phone or spare tire? Laugh at my own incompetence. Laugh at the absurdity of the situation. That requires a certain amount of detachment -- you can laugh at the situation if you're above it, but not within it. And that detachment is a good thing. If you can learn to laugh at things, you've come a long way. Try laughing even if you don't think it's funny -- it will most likely become funny.
Realize that you can't control others. This is one of the biggest challenges. We get frustrated with other people, because they don't act the way we want them to act. Maybe it's our kids, maybe it's our spouse or significant other, maybe it's our coworker or boss, maybe it's our mom or best friend. But we have to realize that they are acting according to their personality, according to what they feel is right, and they are not going to do what we want all of the time. And we have to accept that. Accept that we can't control them, accept them for who they are, accept the things they do. It's not easy, but again, it takes practice.
Accept change and imperfection. When we get things the way we like them, we usually don't want them to change. But they will change. It's a fact of life. We cannot keep things the way we want them to be... instead, it's better to learn to accept things as they are. Accept that the world is constantly changing, and we are a part of that change. Also, instead of wanting things to be "perfect" (and what is perfect anyway?), we should accept that they will never be perfect, and we must accept good instead.
Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty. Remember when I asked what "perfect" is, in the paragraph above? It's actually a very interesting question. Does perfect mean the ideal life and world that we have in our heads? Do we have an ideal that we try to make the world conform to? Because that will likely never happen. Instead, try seeing the world as perfect the way it is. It's messy, chaotic,