Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [110]
Martin, Oregon
You’ve read the emails. You know the principles work. But what if they don’t seem to be working in your home? What do you do then?
Perhaps you can identify with this parent:
TO: Dr. Kevin Leman
FROM: Exasperated in Michigan
Dear Dr. Leman:
I’ve followed all of your principles, and I still have a 4-year-old with a mouth. Recently we were on my uncle’sboat, and Christopher began to fuss and complain abouteverything. I told him if he didn’t settle down immediately, there would be no amusement park tomorrow.
(Wednesday is Kiddie Day, so we save by going then.) Hekept whining. I got really embarrassed and angry and toldhim we were not going to go to his favorite restaurant—across the lakefront—for lunch. Still no results.
He finally settled down a half hour later in therestaurant, after my husband gave him a swat on his behind.
I need more help in a hurry. If there’s any way you couldemail me back some advice, I’d be glad to pay for it.
Here’s what I said:
TO: Exasperated in Michigan
FROM: Dr. Kevin Leman
Dear Exasperated:
Let’s review the principles in light of your email.
1. When Christopher fussed, you told him to stopimmediately. Basically that’s never a good ideabecause most 4-year-olds aren’t good at stopping anything immediately.
2. You threatened Christopher twice. First you toldhim there would be no amusement park tomorrowunless he settled down. Then you told him you were not going to lunch at his favorite restaurant unlesshe settled down. Nowhere in my speech did I eversay to threaten your child. In fact, I pointed out that threatening a child is counterproductive to what you are trying to accomplish and not respectful toyour child. Threatening never works. Telling a kid, “If you don’t do this, I’m not going to give you . . . ” never works. You, as parent, will always lose in that situation. Your child understands you well enough to know, from past experience, that you’ll give in if he just fights or whines loudly enough.
3. “Tomorrow” means nothing to a 4-year-old. It’s toodistant. An eternity away. So threatening him with not going to the amusement park didn’t even register on his radar screen.
4. When you told him you weren’t going to take him tolunch, I bet your uncle and the other folks on that boat were happy to hear that.
5. Even when you said you wouldn’t take the childto lunch, obviously you took him. Two of the most important principles in parenting are consistency and follow-through. You need to be consistent inyour actions all the time and follow through on what you say you will do. If you say something is going to happen, it should happen.
I applaud you and thank you for being honest. Youshowed yourself to be human and used the termsangry and embarrassed to describe yourself. Those are probably good reasons your husband decided to give Christopher a swat on the behind in the restaurant.
What you need to understand about kids is that they will get attention. And they will get it in either a positive ora negative manner. Your time on the boat was a powerstruggle in which your son was determined to makeyou pay attention to him. After all, it’s hard to ignore a 4-year-old who is misbehaving on a boat.
However, if you were doing things according to myprinciples—and you were out on the lake and your 4-year-old started to misbehave, you would ask thecaptain of the boat if he would mind dropping you andyour 4-year-old off at the dock. You wouldn’t threatenyour child with missing the amusement park. Your child would miss lunch, so it would be a consequence forboth your son and you—hopefully one that both of youwould remember in future exchanges. There would be no power struggle, because you would remain