Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [56]
Go back to the purposive nature of the fear. What’s really going on with the fear of the dark, things that go bump in the night, and monsters under the bed?
Your child wants you to come into that room. He wants your presence. And that fear gives him a reason to cry, scream, and demand your presence with him. So what can you do?
You can go into that room and reassure the child there are no monsters in the house. But as soon as you step into that room, your battle is lost. So try this: at bedtime, put any kind of squirt bottle next to your child’s bed. Put water and a bit of food dye in it and say, “Honey, are you in luck! Tonight I’ve got dragon repellent right here! One squirt, and all the monsters are gone from the area.”
The idea is to teach the child how to control his fears.
I remember that as a child when I closed my eyes, I could see little colored dots. I used to call them bugs, and I used to tell my mom and dad, “I see bugs! I see bugs!” and they’d come into the room, night after night, and calm me down. But what was the purposive nature of my behavior? To get to see Mom and Dad just one more time before I went to sleep.
If you’re aware of this, you’ll come up with creative solutions like the squirt bottle before your child is tucked in bed.
Fighting in the Car
“I told you to stop that . . . right now!”
“If you don’t stop poking your brother, I’ll . . .”
“Just wait until we get home. . . .”
Then there’s the parental arm flailing from the driver’s or passenger’s seat into the backseat. . . .
Why is it that children fight most often in the car? It’s because they’re in a contained space, and they’re jockeying for position to see who is most dominant among the herd—and even to see how they can dominate you. It’s fascinating how children who are powerful kids select their areas to try to dominate you. Usually it’s places where you’re a fish in a barrel (like driving a car) and there’s no hope of escape.
So what do you do? When siblings are going after each other in the back of the car and you’re driving, it can really distract you. Yelling at them and looking in the mirror can distract you even more. Threatening them accomplishes no purpose. They know:
1. You don’t mean it.
2. You won’t carry it out. Many parents say, “If you don’t settle down, we won’t get this or go there.” But usually those are just idle threats. With a history of those kinds of threats and warnings, no child will pay attention to what you say.
3. You can’t reach them (other than the ridiculous flailing arm that only makes you angrier).
So try this first: turn up the music on the rear speakers. Part of their fun is knowing you’re overhearing the skirmish. They’re waiting for you to step in and settle it. That’s part of their unionized plan.
If turning up the music doesn’t work and they continue to bicker, calmly pull over the car and stop. Get out of the car, stretch a little, check your tires, open your trunk. If you are going somewhere your children want to be, and they end up getting there late, all the better. Take your time outside that car.
When you get back in the car, say something like, “Is it safe for Mom to drive now?”
Try this once and it’s usually enough to stop the bickering. If you’ve been a paper tiger parent up to this point, though, they may need another dose.
And guess what? Your heart rate hasn’t gone up either. You’ve used the principle of “B doesn’t happen until A is completed.” Those children are not arriving at their destination until their bickering is dealt with.
Forgetfulness
“But I just forgot!”
Kids will forget. Everyone does. They’ll forget to do homework; they’ll forget to bring their clarinet home from school. But don’t accept excuses. It only makes the weak weaker.
If 12-year-old Janie forgets her clarinet, the best thing to do is tell her, “Honey, go back to school and get your clarinet. You need it.” If you live in a small town or a safe neighborhood and she has to walk half a mile back to school, so be it. If not, you may have to drive her back to school to