Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [58]
Helplessness
“I can’t do it, Mommy.”
When I was a 5-year-old, I believed that my sandwich tasted better when Mom made it. As God is my judge, I really did believe that. But, looking back now, I realize something else: that I was a manipulative sucker who wanted her to make the sandwich instead of doing it myself. After all, I was the baby of the family and was used to others doing things for me without me lifting a finger.
Acting helpless is a skillful, manipulativetechnique, and young children (especially the baby of the family) are very good at it. Many times I set my older brother up for all kinds of grief from my dad because I knew what to say, how to say it, and how to get him in trouble with my dad for not helping me with things just because I was younger and smaller.
The general rule of thumb is simple: don’t do for children what they can do for themselves. Young children are capable of making their own sandwiches, even if it means a little extra mess on the counter that they have to clean up. If your child is supposed to phone someone and knows how to use the telephone (or can do it with some simple coaching), there’s no reason you need to make that phone call for the child.
Do we do things for our children? Yes, all day long. It’s part of being a parent. But the smart parent knows when she is getting worked over by the 4-year-old, 10-year-old, or 16-year-old who just doesn’t want to take responsibility.
It’s easier to let children not be responsible. It’s easier, as a parent, to do it yourself. But did you know that even allowing a child to make a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich can be an accomplishment she can feel good about?
You are not only a parent; you are your children’s teacher. So teach them to be responsible. Do not pick up balls that they have dropped or should be responsible for.
Hitting
“But she hit me first!”
“He started it!”
Most siblings will think nothing of whacking a brother or sister in the midst of a skirmish. They won’t bat an eye or feel bad about it.
Parents spend a significant amount of time sorting out who started it. But consider this: fighting is an act of cooperation. It’s not about who threw the first punch. That means instead of you trying to sort out who said or did what, both children involved need to be removed from the scene and taken to a room with the door closed, where just the two of them stare at each other until the problem is worked out.
The amazing thing is that this works with any age, whether 3 or 15. Now, 3-year-olds usually can’t work out their problems, but they can have a time-out. Not being where Mommy is and knowing that Mommy is unhappy is bad enough in itself. Did you know that even a minute’s time-out can seem like an eternity to a 3-year-old?
I had to laugh (inwardly) the other day when my daughter Krissy sent little Conner to his room for a time-out. He marched up there like a little soldier and sat quietly in his room. After that “eternity” (only 3 minutes) of being separated from his mom, Krissy called up, “Conner, are you ready to come down?” And he said in a very chastened voice, “Yes, Mom.”
The point is that when the child comes down, he needs to be ready to join the family again. That means treating his little sister with respect even when he doesn’t feel like it.
When two children hit each other or fight at the breakfast table, remove both of them from the table, put them in a room together, and close the door.