Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [96]
Stealing
It doesn’t matter whether your child was caught in the act of stealing or not. What matters is that your child stole something. That behavior needs to be addressed immediately.
Whether it was an 89-cent candy bar or a pair of designer jeans, the item needs to be returned as soon as possible to the owner, with the child in tow. But the fact that you walk the child into the store doesn’t mean you do the talking for the child. The child herself needs to hand the item to a store clerk (or a neighbor or whomever she stole from) with an apology: “I’m sorry I took it. I know it was wrong, and I am returning it to you.”
Please, parents, do not sweep stealing under the rug because you’re embarrassed. If you discover, for example, that your son took a candy bar, march the child immediately back into the store, find the clerk, and hand the candy bar over with an apology from your child. You’ll probably notice that most times the adult tries to talk to you. Refocus the attention instead on the child, and make your child speak for himself.
If you find out after the fact that your child has stolen (i.e., you’re back at home later in the evening or a day later and see the surprise item), call ahead and find out if the manager of the store is available so the child can apologize in person. Again, make sure the manager knows that he should address your child, not you, and that you want to make a point that stealing is not appropriate.
Even though stealing is a very embarrassing situation for the parent and for the child who gets caught, there is no more need for discipline other than to return the item and face up to any action that the store (or the neighbor) requires. Stern words coming from an authority figure outside the home are usually enough to curb the behavior.
One local store owner asked a boy who had stolen a watch to come in after school and sweep the floor for a week. Another asked a girl who had stolen a purse to pretend like she was a shopper and to keep her eye on other teens who might be possible shoplifters—intriguing punishment for the crime.
Many children steal from stores. Other children steal cookies out of a cookie jar or take quarters off dressers at home. The location isn’t the issue; the important thing is that the stealing is addressed and the child is told that such behavior is not honest or appropriate. Unless he has been given something or paid for something, it is not his and should stay with the owner.
Ownership should be firmly implanted in a child’s mind.
Stomping out of the Room
“It was such a grand performance—a dramatic stomp through the kitchen and up the stairs—that I could have laughed . . . but it made me too mad.”
Children definitely know how to make statements, and stomping out of the room is a good one. It’s often paired, seconds later, with the slamming of a bedroom door (or the front or back door).
What is a stomper saying? The same thing as a door slammer: “You are absolutely the stupidest parent I could have. I’m so mad I don’t know how to deal with it so I’m just going to show you. Take this!”
The stomper has no idea how utterly ridiculous he looks. The wise parent will allow the child to finish the stomp through the house and exit out the door or to his bedroom. As mad as that stomp makes you, you’ll be smart to find something else to do for a while before confronting the behavior. If you go charging into the bedroom or run out the door, saying, “Let me tell you something, young man!” you’ll only make things worse. It’ll escalate the battle further. In power struggles with children, you’ll never win, so don’t go there. You have a lot more to lose than the child does in a power struggle, and you don’t have the single-minded focus that a child does. You have other things to get done.
So wait until your