Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [97]
Such an approach will startle your child. What? She’s gonna apologize? To me? This is new. . . .
When you say to someone, “I was wrong,” and you apologize, most of the time that person will soften toward you. You’re the parent and the adult in the situation, so you apologize first. Then say, “Hey, listen, can we start over again? Before you stomped through the kitchen and I made a fool of myself by yelling at you and then following you down the hallway? Can we take a few minutes and talk about this? How do you feel?”
Now who is going to argue with a speech like that?
And what are you doing? You’re modeling an alternative way to respond. Getting mad, stomping through the house, slamming doors, and running away isn’t the way to respond. Instead, you’re saying, “Okay, we’re both mad. But we love each other, so let’s face this thing together. I want to know how you feel and what you think.”
If you can get to that point with a child, you are establishing equality. You’re not projecting the “I’m holier than thou” approach. You’re meeting your child on even turf. Just about any child on the planet will respect that—once he’s cooled down.
Stubbornness
Children don’t come out of the womb stubborn. They learn to be stubborn—because it pays off.
Let’s say a child refuses to go with you to see his grandparent. So what do you do? You dance around the child. “Oh, come on. It’s not that boring at Grandma’s. And she’d love to see you.”
The child still refuses. He shakes his head stubbornly.
“But, Daniel, she hardly has any company. It would mean so much to her if you come. Please do it. If nothing else, for me?”
By now, you as the parent have adopted a wheedling tone. What’s the next step when the child refuses?
“Okay, I know you don’t want to go, but if you go with me to Grandma’s sometimes, I’ll buy you that skateboard you wanted.”
Aha, now your child’s interest perks up. He agrees to go. He got that skateboard without much trouble, didn’t he?
You walk away thinking you won, but did you really? Your son has learned that if he holds out for a while, you’ll offer him the moon—and he’ll get it too. Your child has you wrapped around his finger, and you’re allowing it.
What’s the purposive behavior of your child’s stubbornness? To get what he wants. So don’t give him the satisfaction of getting anything. Otherwise every child on the planetis smart enough to know that if he stalls long enough, you’ll go to Grandma’s without him, you’ll do the task yourself that you asked him to do, or you’ll completely forget your request in the first place.
It’s a game of trial and error. Your kid’s got your number. Are you going to let him win? Or are you going to hold him accountable for his responsibilities?
If you want your child to go with you to visit Grandma at the nursing home once a month, that’s not an over-the-top request. If he refuses, go without him. But then don’t drive him where he wants to go the next time.
Remember, B doesn’t happen until A is completed.
Talking Back
Nothing ticks off a parent more than a child who talks back. Who disses you right to your face. Who has attitude, and then some. Most often this happens after you’ve given the child a command to do something she definitely doesn’t want to do.
What’s your first gut reaction? To engage that child in battle, to show her exactly where she’s wrong. You want to outpower her, outargue her. But guess what? Parents never win in the “sass ’em back” game. Parents have too much to lose, and every child is smart enough to know it.
Opening your mouth in response will only escalate the battle further. The best thing to do as soon as her mouth gets going is to shut your mouth, walk away, and get busy doing something else.
Her jaw will drop. She’ll think, Huh? How come that didn’t work to get Mom riled? It sure used to. . . .
All of a sudden