Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [98]
Your role? Just sit back and wait for that teachable moment. It may not come for 6 hours, depending on what day of the week it is. But there will come a time when she wants something from you, when she needs you to do something— that’s the time you’re waiting for. The fact is, your children need you all the time; they just don’t realize it. You hold the keys to everything in their life and about their life, and they can do little without a parent’s cooperation. You, by nature, are the powerful one. Not them. Yet so many parents give up that position of power to their child by giving in to the child’s mouthiness and demands.
When your child needs something and asks you, your answer, no matter what the request is, has to be no. Your child will get agitated. “But, Mom, you always let me do that. What’s the deal?”
Now’s the time to let your child work through the problem a little. “I don’t like the way you talked to me this morning, so I don’t feel like doing anything. So no, you can’t do that.”
Some children, especially powerful children, will try to argue you out of your decision. They try to hit you from every angle, including the guilt one: “But, Mom, you know I didn’t mean what I said. . . . Everyone gets angry sometimes. . . . Don’t you love me?”
Other children will say, “I’m sorry.” Some will mean it; others will say it just to get you to do what they want you to do.
But the scenario doesn’t stop there. Now tell your child how what she said made you feel. “When you talk to me like that, you’re basically saying I don’t count in your life. My existence doesn’t matter. You don’t value or respect me. You don’t want me involved in your life. So I’m choosing not to be involved right now.”
Takes the fun out of talking back, doesn’t it?
This is a huge mountain between parents and children. You have to deal with these things as they come up, because without respect, there can be no relationship.
It may take several days of you saying no for the child to fully get the picture. After those days have passed, to clinch the deal, you can add, “You’ve treated me like I’m your slave for a long time. But I am not your slave—someone you can use and abuse. I’m your mother, and you will show me the proper respect due a parent. This week you got a taste of what it feels like to not have a relationship. Is that really what you want?”
Your responsibility is to put the ball back in your child’s court so she has to “own” her mouth. Talking back is never acceptable. Homes need to be built on love, respect, and accountability. There is no relationship without these important cornerstones.
Tattling
“Did you know what Katherine did?”
“Sam got in trouble at school today. . . .”
“I saw Damon over at Jason’s tonight. Wasn’t he supposed to be at the library?”
Tattling—just like sibling rivalry—has been around since Cain and Abel first walked the earth. It’ll continue to be around, so you might as well get used to it. The reason it continues to linger is that parents find it convenient to listen to the tattler.
The tattler is the narc (often a quiet whisperer), the person in the family who loves to give insider info about what other children in the family are doing. Often she’s right about the information, but does that make what she’s doing right? It’s so tempting to listen to a little narc. After all, as a parent, it’s good to have info about what your kids are up to. But, chances are, everyone in the family would be better off if the little narc kept her mouth shut.
The wise parent will say to the little narc, “I don’t want to hear it. If you have a problem with your brother, go talk to him. If there’s something that he did, then he should be the one to tell me, not you.”
That will take the wind out of any narc’s sails because narcs love to dish about others. Did you know it’s a way to make the narc feel better about herself? Most often when