How God Changes Your Brain - Andrew Newberg, M. D_ [101]
EXERCISE 11: THE IMAGINARY FIGHT
When dealing with anger, it helps to have an arsenal of peacekeeping weapons on your side, and research has found that having an imaginary fight will interrupt anger, and thus keep it out of your dialogue with others.48 In fact, if you have an imaginary fight with someone you're angry at, you can discover what will and will not work, at least when it comes to getting what you want. Try this exercise the next time you feel angry at your partner, your child, or a friend, but for now—assuming you are not particularly angry with anyone—just recall an unresolved conflict from the past.
Visualize the person you were (or are currently) angry with. Scrunch up your face into a frown, and using your imagination, visualize the most unpleasant encounter you can: nasty expressions, a terrible fight, a screaming fit, or a cold, demeaning stare-down. Watch your visualization like a movie. Act it out in your imagination scene by scene. Imagine them insulting you, and respond by being as mean as you can. Let the spontaneous fight take over, and watch where it eventually leads. How does it end?
Next, think about the way you would normally confront this person. Say, in your mind, whatever comes to your mind. Yell at the person, or decide to talk in a firm tone.
Now imagine how that person responds. Ask yourself if that was the response you wanted to hear. If not, then repeat Step 2 by saying something different. How does your imaginary partner respond now? Keep repeating this step until you imagine how you can get the other person to respond the way you would like.
Finally, visualize the ideal encounter between you and the person toward whom you feel conflict. What could you say to make them relax and be open to your view? Play it out in your imagination, and see how your imaginary partner responds. Ask yourself: “Is it possible to actually interact with this person in real life?” If the answer is no, repeat this step again.
Usually, this exercise will help you quickly find a strategy that is likely to succeed when you actually confront the person you are having a problem with. Most people, when they're angry, don't take the time to do this, but if you turn it into an imaginative exercise, logic and reason will eventually win out. Thus, by using one's imagination, you can resolve many conflicts before they actually occur.
A suggestion: Whenever you confront a person about something that bothers you, begin with a genuine compliment. Otherwise, the other person will probably be on the defensive, and if so, your strategy may fail. Also, slow your speaking down; it will significantly decrease the blood pressure and muscle tension in both your and the other person's body.
EXERCISE 12: SENDING KINDNESS AND FORGIVENESS TO OTHERS
After you have interrupted your anger, I want you to do one more meditation before you engage with any person who has upset you. It is simple to do, but you'll be surprised at the amount of resistance you may feel, even if you're not feeling angry. In fact, it may be the most difficult—yet most important—meditation in the world. It is part of most mindfulness training programs, and interestingly, it is also the cornerstone of every major religious tradition: the golden rule of loving your neighbors as you would love yourself.
But the Buddha and Jesus went one step further: They recommended that you practice forgiveness by loving your enemies as well. Gandhi, when counseling a Hindu whose child was killed during a religious war, suggested that the man adopt an orphan, but he was told to raise the child as a Muslim. I know few individuals who would have the fortitude to follow Gandhi's solution for alleviating religious hatred, but it does not dismiss the importance that forgiveness plays when it comes to getting along with others.
Forgiveness improves family relationships,49 decreases depressive symptoms while