How God Changes Your Brain - Andrew Newberg, M. D_ [109]
Evidence from university research has demonstrated that couples who use a mindfulness-based meditation separately are more likely to respond empathically toward each other.14 In another study, those who practiced mindfulness meditation showed “improved levels of relationship happiness, relationship stress, stress-coping efficacy, and overall stress.”15 Other awareness and mindfulness-based meditations have been integrated into psychotherapy to foster relationship empathy16 and improve parenting skills.17
But all of these meditations are conducted in privacy and silence. This is why the Compassionate Communication technique can be so effective. It builds on the existing evidence that meditation enhances interpersonal relationships, but adds the component of actively engaging two individuals in a dialogue. Our preliminary evidence also suggests that Compassionate Communication helps deepen spiritual bonds within relationships, which is why we are training ministers and their congregations in ways that integrate dialogue into their religious rituals and beliefs.
Bringing meditation into any conversation is surprisingly simple. All you have to do is maintain consistent eye contact and stay physically relaxed and mindful of your responses as you participate in a flow of spontaneous conversation. You say a few sentences slowly, then return to your breathing awareness while the other person responds. The unstructured conversation that follows will quickly move into surprisingly intimate areas. And, like the walking meditation we discussed in the previous chapter, the more you practice, the easier it becomes.
Soon you'll find yourself bringing serenity and awareness into every conversation you have—even with those who do not engage in contemplative or spiritual practices. After all, it doesn't matter if the other person is consciously meditating with you, because your own state of awareness and relaxation will influence the other person's mood. Human brains are designed to resonate to the inner emotional states of others, so as long as one of you maintains a posture of openness and serenity, the other person will unconsciously respond in kind. It might not be as much as you desire, but when it comes to something as complicated as personal relationships, every little bit helps.
CHANGING OUTER GOALS INTO INNER VALUES
During the summer of 2007, while Mark was collecting data from congregants of a Church of Religious Science, we accidentally discovered that Compassionate Communication could change a person's values, desires, and goals. At that time, a very popular video called The Secret18 had become the focal point at many of these churches, mainly because the concept—that you can obtain whatever you desire by asking the universe to provide—closely coincided with the basic teachings of the organization.∗2
On the survey scale we handed out, Mark decided to add the following question: “What is your ‘secret’ desire?” It turned out to be a fortuitous measure of how meditation can change your relationship with the world. Before doing the exercise, most people responded with a materialistic goal: more money, a better job, a nicer house, a new relationship, a vacation, improved health, etc. But at the end of the hour-long exercise, when asked the same question again, most people changed their desire to a broader range of intrinsic values. Peace, happiness, and contentment were often cited, but here's a sample of changes made by specific individuals:
DESIRE BEFORE PRACTICING DESIRE AFTER ONE HOUR OF PRACTICE
Sell my paintings Become self-accepting
Be a megamillionaire Live in grace and harmony
Financial independence Be spiritually fulfilled
Have a happy marriage Serve humanity
My favorite response came from a woman who initially put down the desire to be a writer, but after practicing Compassionate Communication with people she barely knew, she changed her goal to wanting to “run with giraffes.”
We conducted