How to Train a Wild Elephant_ And Other Adventures in Mindfulness - Jan Chozen Bays [13]
Other people commented that when they gave compliments, they noticed that the person receiving the compliment often blocked it. “Oh, I don’t think my cookies are so good this time.” Being given a compliment creates vulnerability. Some people may have become wary of compliments in adolescence, when they couldn’t be sure if a compliment was meant sincerely or was designed to make them the butt of a joke. Perhaps they also began to give compliments in a joking way or rebutting a compliment as if it were a joke in order to protect themselves from potential embarrassment. One person reported that his parents had to teach him how to receive compliments. They advised, “Simply say, ‘Thank you.’ That’s all the other person needs.”
Another man described how he had actively studied the art of giving compliments because he had never been given anything but negative feedback when he was growing up in an alcoholic home. He found that giving compliments “lightens things up and shifts the energy to positive.” He also found that his children, spouse, and employees seem to thrive when given genuine compliments.
There are some cultural differences in how compliments are received. In studies in China and Japan, 95 percent of responses to compliments were designed to deny or deflect the praise. In Asia it is normal to dismiss or back away from compliments, because one might be seen to lack humility. A husband would not compliment his wife in front of others, lest it seem that he is bragging.
Nonviolent Communication, an approach to effective conflict resolution, teaches that a compliment such as “You’re so [adjective] . . .” tends to be disconnecting. They recommend centering compliments around something that touched you, because this type of compliment promotes a sense of connection and intimacy. “I was touched by how you took the time to bake fresh cookies for this meeting. Thank you.”
This mindfulness exercise helps us become aware of the function and frequency of compliments in our relationships with others. Some compliments seem genuine while others seem aimed at getting something in return. When we first meet someone, or when we are courting, more compliments are exchanged. Later we seem to take those close to us for granted and stop expressing praise, gratitude, or appreciation.
DEEPER LESSONS
Zen master Dogen wrote, “You should know that kind speech arises from kind mind, and kind mind from the seed of compassionate mind. You should ponder the fact that kind speech is not just praising the merit of others; it has the power to turn the destiny of the nation.”
The Buddhist teachings describe three feeling tones we experience in reaction to people, objects, or events: positive (a happy feeling), negative (an irritated feeling), and neutral (no positive or negative feelings). When we feel positively about a person, we are more likely to beam a positive feeling tone toward them and to give them compliments. For example, we’re naturally inclined to compliment someone we are courting or a cute baby who hasn’t yet transformed into an obstinate toddler.
When someone becomes part of the furniture of our life, we forget to notice what they do and it doesn’t occur to us to give them compliments. In fact, we may only comment on the negative, the things we see that we think need to be changed. Without our intending it, this can gradually impart a negative feeling tone to the entire relationship. The practice of actively noticing what a person does well and giving genuine compliments can add new warmth, intimacy, and responsiveness to a relationship.
Personal compliments about temporary or conditional qualities such as beauty make us a little uncomfortable. Why is this? Because we intuitively know that some qualities, such as physical beauty, are serendipitous intersections of genes and current cultural norms. We did not sculpt our handsome face. It is a temporary