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Compensating Beliefs or Behaviors

To avoid pain and anxiety, we transform our false core beliefs into a course of action. Usually through a period of trial and error we create a system of beliefs and behaviors that provide an illusory escape from the dreaded feelings associated with our false core beliefs. The problem is that they don’t work because concepts such as lovable, worthwhile, powerful, and shameful are mental constructs based on conditioning and are not who we really are. In other words, you can’t disprove something that doesn’t exist to begin with.

Stephen Wolinsky teaches that all these concepts come in pairs. For example, the concept “I’m worthwhile” is inextricably tied to the concept of “I’m worthless.” Why would you need to prove you are worthwhile if you didn’t have a sense of being worthless? Both are abstract, subject to interpretation, and based on external circumstances, which means they can fluctuate moment to moment. Our journey to getting unstuck means dropping all these concepts and, as Nisargadatta teaches, meditate on the “I Am,” and drop everything that follows. Give up trying to feel lovable, wanted, powerful, good, or worthwhile, and come back to the breath and the knowledge that you simply are. But I digress. Here’s how we take a false core belief and try to overcome, hide, bury, or get rid of it to our peril.

Lost in the Spin of Disproving False Core Beliefs

FALSE CORE BELIEF

I am powerless

COMPENSATING BELIEF/BEHAVIOR

I feel powerful when I am the head of the organization

I feel powerful when I seduce someone

I feel powerful when I earn a lot of money

I feel powerful when I look good

I feel powerful when I have expensive things

FALSE CORE BELIEF

I am unlovable

COMPENSATING BELIEF/BEHAVIOR

I feel lovable when someone admires me

I feel lovable when I have sex

I feel lovable when someone praises me

I feel lovable when I get invitations from important people

FALSE CORE BELIEF

I am worthless

COMPENSATING BELIEF/BEHAVIOR

I feel worthwhile when I achieve

I feel worthwhile when people notice me

I feel worthwhile when I get an award

I feel worthwhile when I earn a lot of money

I feel worthwhile when I accomplish tasks

I feel worthwhile when I help others

I feel worthwhile when I’m good

FALSE CORE BELIEF

I am helpless

COMPENSATING BELIEF/BEHAVIOR

I feel secure when someone takes care of me

I feel secure when I seduce someone

I feel secure when my children do well

I feel secure when I have a lot of money

I feel secure when people praise me

I feel secure when I believe God loves me

All these compensating behaviors create suffering because you’re trying to prove or disprove a false belief about yourself. For example, if you’re doing good deeds to prove you are worthwhile, there will be a driven quality about it. Being truly helpful flows naturally from an open heart. It’s the difference between feeling relaxed and fascinated with life, as opposed to being driven by and operating out of the ego.

The ego is nearly always trying to expand itself. You praise me, my children do well, I earn a lot of money, and I feel bigger. But, like taking a drink or eating fudge, the momentary satisfaction is fleeting because the praise, the stellar behavior of your children, or the status of your job has nothing to do with the essence of who you are. The Buddha and the sages are never trying to build themselves up and, as a result, they are not tossed around by external events, situations, and the reactions of others. They lived centered in the constant and unified field of All That Is.

Caught in the Trap! Proving False Core Beliefs True and Untrue

While some people tend to drive themselves to disprove their false core beliefs, others tend to repeatedly prove they are true. Still others go back and forth between the two. For example, Alan spoke of trying to prove he was