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By Root 1018 0

false core belief comes out of hiding. Sometimes we coast along, keeping our false core belief submerged, only to be swamped by it in a time of stress or crisis. This reality hit Shannon full force when, after fulfilling her dream of owning a home and having enough money and a secure job, everything fell apart. Shannon had taken a job at the IRS as a poor single mother, hoping the money and health benefits would bring her a secure life and dispel her feelings of worthlessness. The job provided financial security and helped keep the worthless feelings at bay so long as everything was going right—pay raises, excellent job reviews, having money to pay the bills. Even so, there was always an undercurrent of anxiety and fear of the possibility of losing her position and being once again engulfed in the pain she had tried to escape.

Twenty-seven years later, hating the job, feeling desperate and torn between quitting and losing a lot of her retirement benefits or suffering through three more years, Shannon started getting depressed and having backaches and restless sleep. Going to work had become like entering enemy lines, as she was being shunned for not being “a good team player.” She had become less rigid about her work, meaning that she had become more forgiving of poor people and those whose lives would be wrecked by severe penalties when she was in a position to make judgments on claims for past taxes.

As a result, the administration had flown two men in from Washington to “confront her.” In her words, “They were there to tell me without a shred of kindness all the things I was doing wrong. It was pure intimidation.” She went on to say, “I felt demolished, and horrible, like I was a terrible person. I couldn’t get it off my mind.” The tears welled up in her eyes as she brought both hands to her chest and leaned forward. “For days I’ve kept working to believe I’m a good, lovable, worthwhile person. All weekend at the Sufi retreat with lots of wonderful people trying to be helpful and saying good things about me, but the horrible feelings and thoughts just wouldn’t go away.” Her pain was palpable.

Shannon was caught in a familiar trap. She was trying to counteract thoughts of being bad and worthless with thoughts of being worthwhile and good. Here is why she couldn’t convince herself: the thought of being worthless was her false core belief. To attempt to disprove what was false gave the belief the status of existence. In other words, if you believe you can be worthwhile, you also have to believe you can be worthless. Unwittingly, her friends had bought into the game and tried to convince her she was good, which only made her feel worse. She needed to see that it was all a drama superimposed on her true essence.

Shannon’s next step was to extricate herself from the trap of believing that her deeply entrenched concepts of being lovable and worthwhile were real. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful and difficult to have the IRS loyalists undermining twenty-seven years of exemplary work, but the enduring pain came from holding to her negative beliefs about herself. Her solution was to get some inkling that worthwhile and worthless were only concepts, realize she was being unfairly treated, get support from friends, and stand up to the situation, which she eventually did. She was far less distraught after that and within a few months left the job.

EXERCISE:

Look at Your Own Road Map

When you can separate your constructed self full of concepts and beliefs from your true self, life will feel more relaxed and manageable. It will also feel a lot less serious because you will be able to joke about yourself.

There are four basic questions to ask yourself:

What beliefs about myself am I trying to prove or disprove?

What behaviors are a result of these beliefs?

Are these behaviors helping to create peace of mind, ease, and happiness?

What would happen if I gave up trying to prove anything?

The next step is to look at costs of being controlled by your false core beliefs. For example:

Are you seeking for the