If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [49]
The third level of knowing our truth is exploring our motivation.
We need to reflect and ask, will my words do harm? Are they coming out of a sense of caring or out of veiled anger or a desire to hurt? Once we discern the difference, we need to restrain ourselves from the well-placed dig or the hurtful remark.
Being aware of your motivation will help you see the parts of you that are lonely or hurt or want power. For example, you may find that gossiping about another person’s failings or gloating over someone’s misfortunes reflects an insecurity—perhaps you’re trying to make yourself feel important. If you’re willing to look at your insecurity instead of gossiping, you can make friends with your insecure place. It doesn’t mean one never talks about anyone. A teacher who tells a parable or story to educate has a far different motivation.
The fourth level of living in the truth is when you separate the past from the present. Usually sudden shots of anger, raging at others, feeling hurt, or impulses to run away are reactions that stem from the past. If it’s an old reaction being triggered it’s helpful to take a few moments to come back to current time and ask, “What was actually said or done? Is there a common pattern to my reaction? What’s it really about? What meaning did I attribute to the situation?”
Ella, who had worked to separate her “nervous system” reactions from current situations, came to a recent session with her husband, eyes shining, voice animated. “I can’t wait to tell you what happened. There I was going off at him, like I often do, but it was like it was happening over there, and I was sitting here looking at it, and thinking, ‘Why am I doing that? I love him.’ ” She paused, then continued. “It was almost as if someone else was saying those things.”
This marvelous moment was a huge departure from her typical righteous ranting at her partner and her belief that he truly was the bad guy. She had seen her conditioned self as separate from her essence, or observing “I.” Her husband, on hearing her account, looked at her wide-eyed, surprised, and relieved. “I see you differently,” he said, astonished. They both could step back and observe the ranting as not the deepest truth. That she loved him was much closer to the heart of reality. It softened their relationship.
Truth, Kindness, and Right Timing
What use is there in a blunt truth thrown like a stone, which breaks the heart? There is no virtue in truth which has no beauty.
—HIDAYAT INAYAT-KHAN, SUFI TEACHER
Telling the truth is not to be confused with blurting out anything that comes to mind, venting anger, or telling someone’s secrets under the guise of, “I thought you ought to know,” or an innocent, “I was just telling the truth.” I love Inayat-Khan’s words, “There is no virtue in truth which has no beauty.” Likewise, there is no beauty in words that are intended to undermine, wound, shame, or harm.
Mindfulness, kindness, and truth need to merge as one. This doesn’t mean that a partner might not be sad or upset when we tell them we’re leaving, but it’s far different to say the truth without the intent to harm than to make a verbal stab at someone. There is music in our words when they come from a kind heart and mind. A deep part of a spiritual practice is to drop back inside and speak with intent to be clear, true, and kind.
When we start committing to tell the truth, we often feel two parts of ourselves arguing inside: