It's My Life - Melody Carlson [12]
“But each time,” she explained, “something would get in the way. Like a phone call, or a neighbor stopping by, just all sorts of things. And now I'm pretty sure that was God trying to protect me from myself.”
“Good thing too.” I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder. “You wouldn't consider doing anything like that now, would you? I mean, I realize you've been pretty down and everything lately.”
“I don't think so.” She looked directly at me, and her dark eyes still looked so sad, especially with the effects of her recent head injury shadowed beneath them. “But I guess you can never tell about these things, Cate. But I really don't think I want to die now. I think I want to live. I can feel this tiny little ember of hope burning inside of me. And I think it's God.”
I nodded eagerly, holding back tears. “I know it is. And Beanie, I keep wanting to tell you something, but I'm afraid it'll sound so totally stupid.”
“What is it? I'm sure you can't tell me anything that's any more stupid than I've been lately.”
“I just want to tell you that I think you're one of the bravest people I know. And if I'd gone through everything you've gone through, I'm sure I wouldn't even be here. I'd probably be dead, for sure, or else locked up in some rubber cell somewhere. You are an incredibly strong person, Beanie. But even so, I know you still need God just as much as I do.”
“Yeah. I've been realizing that too.”
So then I asked her a really tough question. I asked if she felt she'd totally given up Zach–or if she'd go back with him if he wanted to. And I must confess, I don't even know what the right answer would be–or even if there is a right answer. I just wanted to know where she stood as far as Zach was concerned. Because in my book, right now, he's lower than slug slime. And if I ever see him, I'm afraid I'll have to tell him so.
“I don't really know, Cate. Right now, I do feel like I can live without him. But to be honest, there was a time when I thought I couldn't. And I know it sounds so totally lame to say that. That's why I never told you before. I knew it sounded all sappy and sweet and not like something I'd ever fall into. But I did. Oh, man, I did. And I fell hard.”
“Well, it wasn't all your fault. I think Zach gently nudged you over the edge when you fell.”
She smiled a little at that. “Yeah, I suppose. But I was willing and eager. And when he told me how much he loved me, how he had never loved anyone the way he loved me, and how he would never love anyone as much, well, I just swallowed every line like it was the gospel truth.” She looked me in the eyes. “But you know, it's because I wanted to believe it. Because I needed someone to love me like that. I'd never been loved like–” Then her voice broke again.
“God loves you like that,” I said, instantly hoping she wouldn't call me “Sister Caitlin” again.
“I think I know that now.”
“But I do understand what you're saying, Beanie. And I think someday you're going to have a love that's even better than what you had with Zach. And who knows, maybe it'll even be with Zach.” (And I didn't even say that I sure hoped not!) “But I do believe some really cool Christian guy is going to come along someday. Maybe not for a while yet because you and I need to graduate high school and go to college and get that apartment we've always talked about first. But when it's the right time, your prince is going to come along, Beanie, and mark my word, you'll get married and you will live happily ever after. I just know it.”
She smiled and shook her head with that old Beanie skepticism. “Well, as usual, you've got an excellent imagination, Cate. And who knows, you could even be right, but I guess, for the time being, I won't think about all that stuff. I'll just try to enjoy what I have right now.”
And that's when I got my idea. But I knew I couldn't tell anyone