It's My Life - Melody Carlson [36]
“Well, how about underwear and socks?” she finally pleaded, as if she thought I was turning into a mental case. So I agreed and we spent about an hour picking out what seemed an inordinate amount of “necessities.”
Then we went out for a late lunch, and Mom grilled me some more about my health and everything. Was I taking my vitamins? Had I come home with any kinds of parasites or bugs that were making me act weird? Finally, she insisted on scheduling a physical for me, and to keep her happy, I agreed. And who knows, maybe I did contract some weird Mexican bug or virus. Because I must admit, I'm just not really feeling like myself today. Although it may have more to do with yesterday's hand raising than Mexico.
Tuesday, September 4 (my first day as a senior)
Well, I suppose it's kind of nice being a senior. And it was definitely cool to drive my own car to school, and I was so glad that Beanie was there with me. (I mean, just a couple months ago she was planning on getting her GED and becoming a mommy and everything.) But all in all, today just wasn't as great as I'd thought it would be.
I got all the classes I wanted, and it looks like I get to do the work experience program where I get off from school in the afternoon to continue working at my reception job (which I must remember to let Rita know since it was her idea in the first place). But all in all today seemed sort of anticlimactic. I'm not sure what I was expecting, though.
Several times today, I thought about the whole missionary thing again. But I still haven't told anyone. Not even Beanie. But I think I will allow myself to think about it some more. It's like I've been repressing it, as if it's this big, dark, scary thing that's going to eat me alive (which I know it's not). So now I'm telling myself, if this thing is from God, it can only be good. Right? And what can I possibly have to be afraid of? This rationale, I must admit, does make me feel a whole lot better. In fact, I might even talk to Pastor Tony about it. He might have some helpful thoughts to share.
Tonight I will go to bed without getting all worried and frightened about having to become a missionary someday. Because I do know that God's love is supposed to drive away all fear. And I think that's what I've been feeling lately–just plain old ordinary fear.
DEAR GOD, I'M GOING TO JUST GIVE THIS WHOLE MISSIONARY THING TO YOU. FIRST OF ALL, THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE MUCH I CAN DO ABOUT IT ANYWAY. I MEAN, I'M ONLY SEVENTEEN–WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? LEAVE HOME AND HITCHHIKE TO SOUTH AMERICA TO PREACH TO THE UNSAVED? AND SECOND, I KNOW THAT YOU WILL SHOW ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO AND THEN HELP ME TO DO IT. AND THIRD, I KNOW THAT IF THIS THING IS FROM YOU, IT WILL BE GOOD AND RIGHT AND THE VERY BEST THING FOR ME, AND I WON'T BE AFRAID. SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. SHOW ME YOUR WAY, GOD! AMEN.
Wednesday, September 5 (a revelation?)
Tonight I went to the midweek service. I don't usually go. I'm not even sure why not because I've discovered I like it. But for some reason, I wanted to go tonight. I went by myself but I sat with Stephie, who looked slightly surprised to see me there but made no comment.
It was a really fun service with lots of singing and Pastor Tony gave a great sermon about touching the lives of the people right around you (kind of a relief to me when I've been thinking lately about how I might need to travel to the ends of the earth to touch people's lives). Afterwards, I went up and talked to Tony (amazingly, no one else was with him), and I told him about how his friend had made that missionary invitation, how I'd actually raised my hand, and how I'd been kind