Junk - Melvin Burgess [27]
That was my present, see. Me. I wasn’t wearing a stitch.
Tar opened his eyes and smiled at me and I smiled back and said, ‘It’s a double. The sleeping-bag.’
‘Oh…’
The big oaf.
‘I’ve taken two bags and zipped them together.’
He got out of bed and was just about to slide in next to me when I said, ‘Have you got anything?’
‘Oh… no…’
It was such a pain. I was so cross. I sat up in bed and seized a cup of cold coffee I had by me. ‘Do I have to do everything?’ I snapped, and started slurping the coffee.
‘I’m sorry, I’m so stupid…’
Well… I suppose I should have supplied them. How was he to know? Still, Tar was never a Boy Scout, that much was clear.
Then he said, ‘Hang on…’ And he ups and outs the room with his jeans on and I thought…
‘Oh, no!’ I knew what he was doing. He was going to borrow some off Vonny and Jerry… I was half amused, half furious… because, I mean, this was my first time. I didn’t want to use boring old borrowed anarchist condoms!
And then he was away for ages. He must have been half an hour and then he came back quietly in case I was asleep, all sheepish.
‘Sorry…’
‘What happened?’
‘They were a bit reluctant to lend them.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, you’re only fourteen, see, and…’
I got the picture. There’d been a big discussion about whether Gemma was old enough. I was livid. I sat there and steamed. He was dithering around the room. He came and sat next to me and asked me if I didn’t want to any more. It was dreadful. This was exactly the sort of thing I’d wanted to avoid. I thought he’d discover me wearing nothing at all under my sleeping-bag and it would just happen. Now he was sitting there in his blue jeans and I had my jumper back on, I’d got so cold waiting.
I said, ‘Oh, never mind,’ and I turned away and wrapped myself back up in my sleeping-bag as if I wanted to go to sleep. I could feel him standing there for a moment, then he got into his. He lay close and cuddled up to me.
Well. Sometimes you’ve got to work harder than you want to. I turned round and he kissed me and then he slid out and into my bag and he lay there very still for a bit, although I could tell he was really excited. He can be very tactful sometimes. We cuddled and it got very warm and then a bit steamy and pretty soon my jumper found its way up around my neck…
Later on, Tar said in a little voice, ‘I love you.’
And I said…
Oh… I felt so sorry for him, but I hadn’t anything else to give him, you know? It was just a moment we had together. I mean, he was a really special person to me, but… I just felt that someone could come along and blow hard and I’d fly away from him, go in the wind and end up… next door or on another planet with someone else, anywhere. Just because the wind blew.
I didn’t want to hurt him.
I put my finger on his lips and I said, ‘Ssssh…’
I could see him looking at me. He was hurt and I felt cross because I’d done my best. And what right had he got to love me?
I said, ‘Don’t say that.’
There was a long silence and then he said this funny thing… ‘Dandelion.’
I just looked at him, it was so out of context. I said, ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
He sort of smiled and shrugged and I smiled back because I realised…
He’d given me a picture he’d done of a dandelion. It was a lovely picture. I didn’t know what the dandelion meant to him but I knew what he was saying. He was saying that he still loved me, even though…
I wanted to say something to him… to tell him that I felt so much for him, even though I didn’t love him. I couldn’t say dandelion so I said, ‘Ladybird.’ It just came into my head.
He laughed and said, ‘Why ladybird?’
I said, ‘Because they’re nice, and everyone likes them, and they’re pretty and red…’ He began to kiss my mouth.
‘… and they like dandelions. A lot,’ I said. I touched his nose with the tip of my finger, as if I was telling him off.
Tar smiled and nodded.
‘Dandelion,’ he said.
‘Ladybird.’
‘Dandelion.’
‘Ladybird.’
And I really did love him in that moment, more than anyone, more than myself, even though tomorrow it might all be over.
He kissed my mouth and we