Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [31]
Touch is an underrated mode of communication. Our bodies love to touch and be touched. We talk about being touched emotionally by a song or a movie. But how often do we talk about being touched physically in the same way? We tend to think of physical touch as sexual. But it need not be. A massage is very satisfying for the body and is only rarely sexual in nature. Hugging friends and shaking hands with colleagues are other ways we communicate non-verbally in a non-sexual way. Caressing your loved one can be sensuous and sensual yet it need not be sexual. Explore touching each other in a playful way. Or why not sit quietly just being with each other?
One fun way to communicate is through toning, or sound, such as humming and overtones. The next time you have a conflict, try to tone your emotions, without using words. Begin by focusing inwards then breathe softly and let the sound come naturally on the out breath. If you let the sound come naturally you won't strain your vocal chords.
Instead of dialoguing at your next meeting, try painting and drawing your ideas. Focus on conveying the feeling in your drawing, then try to put it into words. Let yourself play with different ways to get your ideas across. Experiment with gestures and body language, or use music to enhance the communication process, or why not dance and movement?
Getting verbal
We've finally arrived at the mode of communication most practiced – using words to make ourselves understood. We talk on the telephone, we read and write with words be it letters or emails, sms or text messages, posts on Facebook, we listen to the words in movies and on television. Let's face it, words make up the better part of how we communicate.
So how do we best communicate with one another? How do we have a dialogue that is of mutual benefit? I think one key word is curiosity. To be curious about the other person, how they think, how they feel and what they value. Also to be curious about ourselves. If we can go into dialogues without a set goal or outcome to achieve other than to have a conversation to deepen the understanding between us, we could change so much in this world. But how often does it happen?
When talking, it's important to be clear about boundaries. My thoughts are not your thoughts and vice versa. Instead of trying to convince the other of your viewpoint, try to find out why they have this viewpoint. What underlying values drive their viewpoint? How did they come to think this way? Have they always had this stance?
In Sweden, where I currently live, there is a strong push for consensus. To think alike and to agree is important. Needless to say there are many of my friends who are afraid to discuss politics at work, for fear that no-one else shares their viewpoint. My answer is, “the only way you will find out is to talk about your views. You may be surprised how many actually think like you, but were also afraid to speak up.” I've encountered this at many meetings. I've lived in the US for far too many years to be able to shut up or to not think my own thoughts. I speak my mind. So often, after the meeting, one or more of my Swedish colleagues come up to me to say, “I'm so glad you said thus and such, I'm so glad you spoke up, I totally agree with you.” At the meeting they hadn't said a word, and if I hadn't been there I doubt anyone else would have said a word. Makes me wonder how many decisions get made that do not have the support of the members. Quite a few I suspect, which may be the cause of the many difficulties in implementing changes in Swedish organizations. The disagreement comes out in resistance and quiet sabotage of the new direction, because the support was never there in the first place.
Dealing with the caveman
While we are on the subject of communication, I'd like to interject a strategy some of us females have found extremely useful when dealing with the typical male response of going into a cave, symbolically speaking. Perhaps the men would describe it as they need time or space to be alone, to sort their