Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [32]
When you have emotions and the man in your life has swum out to sea, or gone into his cave, or floated away on a cloud, you don't have to hold your emotions in and wait for him to come back out. From experience, you know it may be some time before he reappears. I think they wait until your pesky emotions have died down and they feel it's safe to come out. It makes us feel like only positive emotions are ok, that to cry or be upset is cause for the caveman to appear. The mate of one of my friends always asks if she is through pouting, as if pouting is not an acceptable way to feel, as if when she is pouting it means there is something wrong between them.
What we've discovered is that the man really seems to need to go away into a cave. I need to go into a cave at times too. I don't feel social, I don't always want to talk to other people, I just want to be left alone. However we tend to encounter the caveman approach to emotions more with males than with females.
But never fear, there is a way to deal with this. Your emotions are up, you've just started to explore the depth of your emotions, and he disappears. Don't run after him, that won't solve anything. Pull yourself together, center yourself, reflect, then and only then, write down what you are feeling. It may help to paint your emotions to get to the bottom of your turmoil. Focus on communicating how you feel.
Entire books have been written on this one subject alone, but let me convey a few key principles. Be careful of making assumptions about his motives or second-guessing what is going on with him. You haven't a clue, and you may as well admit it. Focus on what you wish to happen and be totally aware that he may or may not want to grant your wishes. He isn't playing to the same script you are and you may as well face it now. Be honest about what actually upset you. If a childhood wound has been triggered, tell him this situation reminds you of a familiar pattern. Telling him that he has awakened an old wound is fine, to take all the accumulated woundedness you're carrying and dumping it on your partner is not ok. Here again is why therapy is so important. When old wounds are triggered, go get therapy, work through the stuff so you can get rid of it. Then go have a dialogue. And lastly it's not always about ourselves, about us having to change. It takes two to tango and if you are the one always bending and adjusting to someone with a take it or leave it attitude, it may be time to look around for another playmate.
When you've written to your caveman as clear as you can be about your feelings and wishes without blaming, leave him be, let him read and digest it at his own pace. He will eventually reappear. The cynic in me says he'll reappear when he gets horny or he thinks the coast is clear, he is missing you and he thinks enough time has elapsed that you have forgotten the whole thing and you can just get on with having a good time. When he does come out it would be nice to have a real dialogue. I often find that it's like starting over again, then by the time I get warmed up, he's off and gone, again.
I would love to get a male viewpoint here, how does it look from your perspective?
Sure, I want your body
I admit it. It's my physical desires that come alive first. So sure, I want your body, but I want to know what is in your heart and mind as well. The physical attraction gets my attention. Sparks my interest. Then I want to know more. Who you really are, what you think and care about, what you dream about, what you want with your life. I want to know what makes you happy and what makes you sad. What your childhood was like and what matters to you. How you deal with difficulties and where your focus is at work and play. I want to know all of you, not just the outer facade.
It's very important that you want to know who I really am. That you are curious about me and my thoughts and emotions and needs. One of my favorite movie lines comes from A Room with a View. He says, “when I hold you in my arms, I want you to think your own