Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [57]
If I meet a guy and I find him interesting, why would it matter if he were married or not? It doesn't make sense to me that I would only be interested in him if he is available. There are many ways we relate to others. Friendship is one of them. If I wouldn't want a man for a friend, I certainly wouldn't want him for a partner. We aren't used to thinking in those terms, but when it comes down to it, it's only natural.
Needing to control others destroys the free flow of energy in relationships and organizations. We control when we try to book the other one up months in advance, trying to make sure they are going to be with us, not giving them a chance to make other plans before we get to them.
We control when we get possessive, when we can't stand the thought of him or her going home to be alone, when we cry to get our way. We control when we call or write all the time, sending out insecurity signals, needing confirmation all the time.
We control when we play the guilt card, when we help someone out then expecting them to stay with us to return the favor. Being manipulated into doing something out of guilt always feels sticky and yucky.
Jealousy and envy are sure to put the kibosh on the free flow of love. If these feelings get stirred in you, go work them out through therapy or other means. These feelings are real and quite icky. We all get them, but if we use jealousy to get possessive of our partner, we are sure to lose him or her in the end. One ex used to accuse me of having affairs. The thought hadn't entered my mind. But it occurred to me that I might as well.
Letting go implies trust. One friend who lives apart from her husband for extended periods gets asked a lot about fears of infidelity. She says it can happen anywhere, you meet people all the time. The key when living apart is to trust and to have an open communication. You can't go worrying about what the other one is doing when you are not there. It's important to discuss rules or assumptions, but you need to give each other the freedom to be adults.
If we are honest, with ourselves, with each other, we can make things work. It's when we come from a need to win, to have, to possess and control, that we lose.
One man I was with insisted I cook for him to prove that I loved him. In his head, he was loved if the woman cooked for him. What has love got to do with insisting I be a certain way? There is nothing wrong with wishing or asking, but insisting kills any inclination you may have had to be of service.
There is a world of difference in stating a wish list and leaving it up to the other one to fulfill it or not, to demanding that they fulfill every one of your requirements whether they want to or not. Being expected to fulfill a demand has nothing to do with love.
Whatever it is, are you doing it out of love? One of my women friends is married to a man who loves target shooting. The competitions are not exactly what you would call an exciting spectator sport. But my friend goes to watch hubby compete. Why? Not because she has a burning interest in the sport, but she loves her husband that much. He doesn't demand that she do it. She goes because she wants to of her own free will.
Do you like your partner just the way they are? Or do you wish they would change? Do you work on “improving” them? Needing to have the other one change so you can love them isn't going to get you anywhere. Sure, we all have attributes that are less easy to love, but we need to learn to accept each other as we are. Most of all, we need to learn to accept ourselves. Contrary to what we have been brought up to believe, we are good enough, we are lovable, we are worthy and we are human,