Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [58]
Being human implies imperfection. How many of us experienced it being ok to fail, to make mistakes, to smudge that pretty dress, to spill on Mom's best tablecloths? Our parents had it even worse. They had much more pressure than we did, to behave, to do good, to live up to their parents' expectations. It's no wonder they passed on their rigid upbringing to us. They didn't know any better.
However there is hope. We can grow to love ourselves, and each other, in healthy ways. It seems the more I accept myself, and all my aspects, the more tolerant I become of others. If you feel intolerance, ask yourself what part of yourself you can't tolerate. You may be surprised at what you find.
Insisting on constant togetherness kills a relationship. We need time alone and with our other friends and interests. There isn't one of your friends who shares all your interests, not even the best of friends think and do alike. Why do we expect that a love relationship all of a sudden will fulfill all of our needs? I keep saying: discover where you intersect, enjoy where and when you meet, and let go of the rest.
Relationships
Relationships. A loaded word. Associations leap to romance. What we wish for and dream about. An assessment of what we actually have. But relationships are so much more. We have relationships at work, at home, with family, friends and lovers and most of all with ourselves.
I believe it is time to reassess our definition of relationships, to examine our values and longing, so we can redefine how to make relationships work in the world we now live in.
I believe it's time to discover who we really are. Get to know ourselves, and the other person. Really understand who we are and what we want, then find the areas where our interests and values intersect and let go of the rest. We need to transmute old patterns and beliefs and form new ways of relating to each other. To create meetings that are meaningful and meet our real needs. To quit trying to hammer other people as well as ourselves into structures that obviously aren't working. To free ourselves up to be who we were meant to be and give others the freedom to be themselves. Instead of trying to change other people, accept them as they are. To do that we first need to discover who they are. The same holds true for ourselves. We need to quit trying to make ourselves fit into a mold.
It's time to break old molds. Form new ways of relating that allow us to grow and develop. To set each other free.
Twenty-Two
Put yourself first
Last night I went to a concert with some of my painting friends. On the way home we were talking of setting limits and boundaries. Then a badger ran across the road right in front of my car. This morning I looked up the meaning of badger in the Animal Speak book:
Set limits, stand up for yourself. Let your emotions out. Your gift is to be determined.
I did a creative dance session. Anger and frustration wanted out of my body. The importance of working with the physical body and really moving it is grossly underrated in traditional therapy circles. The dance helps the body get the stuff chugged loose, released, integrated and grounded. If you stop and think about it, dance is one of the most natural ways for us to be. Maybe therapeutically we would be better off if we looked at natural inclinations rather than get so academic about it.
In my morning meditation I went deeper into the issues and questions that are up for me at the moment. I was reminded of how my colleague and I would work through issues that we triggered in each other. In one instance I had just raised my rates, after calculating what I needed to charge to make a business out of my practice. She asks me, “how much will you now charge?” When I replied, her immediate reaction was, “I would never pay that!” I felt a twinge of fear in my stomach, and realized in an instant that this was her stuff. I told her so. She agreed, “yes, it is my own fear of being worth that much, I wouldn't be able to charge that sum.” Both of us handled the fears