Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [59]
Most often in life, we don't get to deal with triggered emotions in such an adult manner. I also realize that I bend over backwards to deal with others responsibly and in an adult manner, even when their behavior is childish. I don't allow myself to fly off the handle, to take the whole bucket of hurt and spew it out, not stopping to worry about where it comes from or who it belongs to. But what if the most appropriate response would be to do just that, when someone else comes flying at you out of nowhere?
What if I reacted like a child? They are acting like a child. Perhaps this is the level it should be resolved at? My Higher Self suggested in morning meditation I write an open letter to all the people who have acted childishly toward me, and to let myself say what I am thinking, but too polite to say. So here goes.
Open letter to immature behavior
I have tried to respond to you like an adult. I haven't said what I really think about your behavior. It's time to let it out and let you have it. You don't seem to have any restraint in letting me have it so why should I be so darn responsible and polite and mature. You don't seem to understand mature anyway and in my trying to stay mature and polite I swallow what I need to say and I take on the guilt, that somehow it's all my fault and responsibility.
Grow up and quit projecting your crap onto me and others. Take responsibility for your actions and for God's sake, pause before you let that diarrhea of the mouth take off. I haven't asked for your opinion and what makes you think you have the answers for my life? What have you tied up in making me so wrong, why do you feel such a need to control me? I can make my own decisions thank you and I am willing to make mistakes. I do not want to be owned.
I haven't wanted to see that you really don't want what is best for me. You are selfish in the worst way. You think that by owning and steering me, you can gain something. No you have to get it for your self. I am tired of having you as a slug, sucking my energy. Grow up and behave like a mature adult. Take responsibility for your actions. If you find that people get angry with you, ask yourself what anger you hold within. Turn the flashlight back on yourself.
Why do you not wish me happiness? What is it that scares you so much with me taking on my power, with me taking space? Is it that you will no longer be able to live off my energy? You can no longer suck my life energy, you have to get your own. I am not going to allow it any longer. I am sick and tired of people who want to live their lives off of me, to get your kicks by hearing about all my excitement.
Sure I like company, but there are responsibilities that go along. I will not let you treat me however you want. If something I do or think scares you, say so. Don't just let it fly out of your mouth, like you have no control. You can exercise control. You can pause and think, before you just let loose with a stream of crap. Ask yourself why and what your motivation is in saying what you are saying. Do you really want what is best for me? Or are you letting fear, anger, jealousy rule your tongue?
Think before you speak. I do. It means I end up holding back, apparently too much. It has been to my detriment. But I know how unpleasant it is to be hit with a barrage of crap and I really don't want to do that to you. Do unto others.
What I haven't done is set limits when I should have. I have heard your crap without shouting STOP. I have sat there and listened and not been able to make sense of it. Of course I can't make sense of it. The whole litany is your unhealed inner garbage. It doesn't make sense. It's emotional pollution. It's garbage.
So when I finally do set limits, I try to be succinct and stick to the present. I don't want to heap the whole bucket on you. But you know what? This isn't just about me. It isn't just me that needs to look at what is going on. You have a responsibility too. Take a look at what triggered you.