Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [69]
One of my favorite memories of the straight-on approach is from my University days. A classmate and I were really good friends. Without each other, we never would have made it through physics classes. One day, he shows up at my apartment and says, “it's been quite a while since I got laid, are you interested in coming home with me and having sex?” Very straightforward. Easy to deal with. No hidden agendas. I said yes. I hadn't had any for a while either. It was nice. We remained friends. It's relatively easy to keep it amicable, as long as you aren't in love with each other. Then it gets trickier, but if handled honestly and earnestly it will come out as it should in the end. As long as we don't script the ending, but let God sort the details, it will turn out for our highest good in the long run.
Twenty-Seven
I haven't been honest with myself
Yesterday I went to see our local psychic. I wanted to understand, not just release, the Brussels life and any other incarnations that were related. I also wanted to make sure that I had got it right. That I had made the appropriate rearrangements. I had. There were several more lifetimes involved, which explains why this was such a potent and deep issue with many components. She described the cleanout as a whirlwind or tornado where everything was sucked into the storm and the pieces flung out. At this point I was picking up the pieces that were meant to stay with me. The past was now released and we were truly finished with it.
But there were two things I realized I hadn't been honest with myself about. One is my feelings for the young man from Brussels. We are friends in this life and I keep telling myself that is ok. In truth I want him. I want to know his body, his mind, his heart and soul. Why is it so hard to be truthful with oneself? Is it because I don't want to make demands? or because I am afraid of rejection? or is it that I am afraid he'll be ashamed of me? Which leads me to the second realization.
I have been working every which way to release the fibroids in my sacral chakra region. I asked the psychic why they hadn't released yet on the physical. It turns out the causal point comes from a life in France in the 1400's. I was a young woman in that life who got pregnant without being married. Being an unwed mother in those days was a big sin and the church did everything to shame me. The child died in my womb sometime in the second trimester. I took on the belief system of the church, I bought their authority and felt guilt and shame.
We can work and work on an issue but it won't release until we get to the original knot. Then, as we get hold of the key thread it unravels right in front of our eyes. I have always felt that my fibroids were about emotions and beliefs put on me by others, that the emotions weren't coming from inside me but were imposed from the outside. I have experienced the pain and emotions, but not been able to release them completely. Now I know the origin of the emotions, thoughts and beliefs. Now I can dissolve those thought patterns into the light, hand them back to their source.
The psychic explained that the fibroids are like blisters of shame. The church has done tremendous damage to women, imposing shame on our most natural functions. The woman is blamed if a man finds her attractive and he can't resist her charms. Women are blamed for being seductive temptresses. If a man and woman end up in bed, it's the woman's fault. I've heard more than once, “I didn't really want this to happen.” So why did he? The implication is that a man can't control his urges or hormones. What a crock of shit.
Anyway, I realize that I still carry a lot of shame around being a woman. It's been imposed and projected on me, but I have sucked it in and made it my own. I haven't been honest with myself that I feel shame about my behavior or my lusts. I try to be flippant about it, try to be brave and say, “yes I have done all these things, I have been with all these men, I love sex and I feel very lusty.” But in all