Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [171]
If your spouse moves out of state, enforcing support can be even more difficult. In general, the less parents see their children the less likely they are to make their support payments. If the checks stop coming, you'll need to register your support entitlement in the new state by sending the appropriate forms (which you can get from your CSE agency) to the other state's collection agency. The new state will then make the same collection efforts that your state would. If your spouse moved because of work but stayed with the same company, you can also send the forms directly to the employer if that state has its own provisions for wage garnishment.
If you're getting support and then your spouse stops paying after a move, it might be worth your while to hire a lawyer to help you get your order registered in the new state. After that, you should he able to take care of follow-up yourself.
Modifying Child Support
Circumstances change, and after you divorce you may find you need a change in the child support arrangement. If you're the paying parent, you might want to lower your support obligation because you're temporarily out of work or you find yourself facing an ongoing extra expense like a chronic illness or caring for a parent. If you're receiving support, an increase in your spouse's income or in your expenses might justify an increase in support.
Either way, try to resolve it with your ex-spouse without resorting to the courts. Don't just stop paying and hope everything will work out-you'll just get further behind, and a debt related to child support is a debt you have forever (even if you file for bankruptcy; see Chapter 14). If talking it out yourselves doesn't work, go back to your mediator, collaborative lawyer, or counselor, if you had any of those kinds of help during your divorce. If you didn't, find a mediator-Chapter 4 explains how. If you do come to a meeting of the minds, write down whatever you agree to. If you're the payer and your spouse tells you over the phone that it's okay to miss a few payments, don't rely on that. If your spouse has a change of heart, you could be looking at a court order to make the missed payments later. Get it in writing.
If you can't work something out with your ex, you can go to court and ask for a modification. You're required to show a change of circumstances; simply taking on new voluntary expenses, like a luxury car, doesn't count. Nor does leaving your job voluntarily, even if it's to take a job that is more meaningful to you but pays less. You need to show that something beyond your control is interfering with your ability to support your children at the same level you have been providing.
Moving in with a new partner can affect the amount of child support you receive. Child support is based in part on your income, and if you begin living with someone who is contributing to household expenses that include taking care of your kids, a court might reduce your support accordingly.
Helping Your Kids Deal With Divorce After the Fact
As time passes, the very best way that you can help your kids is by working out a cooperative, minimally conflicted relationship with your ex. Of course, it's important to tell your kids repeatedly that you love them, that the divorce was not their fault, and that they will always have two parents-but the proof is in the pudding, and you need to be a model of maturity in how you deal with the divorce.
This doesn't mean never letting them know that you are stressed or that the divorce brings up some difficult feelings for you. It's fine to talk about those things