Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [173]
Don't he surprised if your ex-spouse also has a difficult time with the knowledge that you are dating. It's probably wise to exercise the same caution with your ex that you do with your kids, and not introduce a new partner until you're sure it's serious-but it's also a good idea to make sure your ex hears it from you, not your kids or a well-meaning friend. And be prepared for your own feelings to surprise you when you learn that your former spouse is dating. Even when you have no ambivalence at all about the divorce-and how common is that?-it can be hard to see your partner of many years in a relationship with someone else.
What can you do? Nothing but take the high road. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself, and talk about them with your friends if you need to. But never give your spouse a hard time about the new partner, and never bad-mouth either of them to your kids. If a big problem arises (for example, it turns out the new mate has a drinking problem or is abusive), of course you'll need to deal with it. But if you just don't take to the new friend, keep it to yourself. You may find that those feelings fade as you get to know the new person.
And get to know them you will. When your spouse gets serious with someone else, you will eventually find yourself required to integrate the new partner into your daily routine. After all, they may be picking up your kids from school and showing up at their soccer games and piano recitals. Again, give the benefit of the doubt and be patient. There's nothing like the passage of time to soothe difficult feelings.
When you decide to start integrating your own new love interest into your daily life-and especially if your new partner moves inyou'll find even more adjustments to be made. Now, instead of having to negotiate scheduling (and parenting issues) with just your exspouse, you'll have to work with your new partner, too. And your kids will have to adjust to the household's new adult, who comes with new ideas about discipline, appropriate behavior, or what kind of snacks should be in the fridge.
Hope Springs Eternal: Remarriage
So you're considering taking the plunge again. Let experience give you wisdom, and consider all the legal ramifications of your decisions.
Spousal Support
Spousal support often ends if you remarry, though living together doesn't generally affect it. It's very likely that your divorce order says that support will terminate if the recipient marries, and even if it doesn't, termination is automatic in some states.
Prenuptial Agreements
If you're thinking about remarrying, you should also be thinking about preparing a prenuptial agreement. The sad truth is that even more second marriages than first ones end in divorce-more than 65%, in fact. And it's likely that you want to protect your children's inheritance rights as well as your own hard-won financial independence.
A prenuptial agreement is a document that lets you and your spouse-to-be make your own decisions about which of your state's marital property and support laws will apply to you and which won't. For example, you could give up your right to spousal support, or agree to keep your property separate so that if you divorce, your spouse isn't entitled to ask for any of your assets.
All states have laws designed to make sure that prenuptial agreements are entered into without duress or fraud. These laws seek to protect the person who's giving up rights, by making sure that person understood everything that the agreement said and wasn't forced into making the agreement. One common requirement is that both spouses have lawyers, to ensure that the spouse who's giving up a right like spousal support has advice about the legal consequences of the decision.
A prenuptial agreement might seem unromantic, but if you've been through a divorce you know just how really unromantic the ending of