Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [70]
If you're considering a split custody arrangement, it's probably a good idea to talk to a custody evaluator or counselor who has experience dealing with children of divorce, and have them evaluate your family's situation and give an opinion on how the kids will handle it. A custody evaluator is a therapist with special training in helping children of divorce by assessing the family situation and offering suggestions (or, in a contested situation, recommendations to the court) about the best parenting arrangement. See "Your Kids and the Court Process" in Chapter 7, to learn where to locate a custody evaluator.
How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement
Divorced parents need a parenting plan-a document that addresses various aspects of your kids' lives and sets out your agreements about how you'll deal with them.
There are different ways to come up with this kind of parenting agreement.
Face-to-face discussions. Logistically, the easiest way to make these decisions is to sit down with your spouse, make a list of the issues, and discuss them all like rational adults who both have your kids' best interests as your first priority. Your emotions, of course, may complicate this pretty scene considerably. Some parents are able to set aside feelings about their separation long enough to work out a parenting agreement, but for others, a little bit of help can go a long way.
Help from a friend or family member. You can ask for that help from a friend or family member, if you think there's someone on whom you both can agree and who has the temperament to help the two of you work toward an agreement. Make sure it's someone you both trust to stick with the process, to be neutral about what you decide, and to keep your confidences. It's a rare friend who has the ability to act as an amateur mediator-but there are other ways your friends can help you, such as being a sounding board who will vet ideas and proposals and give you an honest reality check.
Help from a mediator or custody evaluator. Mediation is a great way to work out your parenting plan. A mediator is trained to work with difficult issues and reach practical solutions that will work for both of you. (There's a lot more about mediation in Chapter 4.) If you're having trouble agreeing on a parenting plan, you might want to consider hiring a mediator to help you with just this issue, even if you and your spouse are able to work out all of the other questions that need to be decided in your divorce.
Identifying the Issues
You may be surprised at the level of detail in a parenting agreement. There's a lot more to deal with than just the amount of time the kids will spend with each parent probably including some issues that you haven't thought about yet. But the more you can anticipate possibilities and deal with them in advance, the less conflict you will have in the heat of the moment. Here's a list of issues you'll need to cover in your parenting agreement. There may be others, too-the specifics will, naturally, depend on your family situation.
Basic time-sharing
• Where the kids will stay
• How the kids will get from one place to another
• Who, besides you and your spouse, is allowed to pick the kids up and transport them
Contact outside of visitation
• Phone schedule for the kids to be in touch with the parent they're not staying with
• Agreement about using email for contact
• Whether the kids are old enough for cell phones, or whether the custodial parent will be responsible for making the contact happen
Family birthdays
• Where the kids will spend their birthdays
• Who is responsible for the birthday party, and whether it's okay to have two parties
• Whether you'll make special arrangements for your birthday or your spouse's, as well as the kids' birthdays
Holidays
• Alternating holidays each year or splitting the day between parents every year to share equally
• Definition of a holiday (when the kids don't have school for Presidents' Day, for example, is the person who's