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• Special holidays for one parent, like Mother's or Father's Day

• Sharing time during long school vacations, like spring and winter breaks

Religion

• If each household has a different religion, whether there's a middle ground, or whether with the kids will practice the religion of each household when they're there (this may not be an issue if you've agreed on your kids' religious training so far, but if you and your spouse don't see eye to eye on religion, it may take some serious negotiation)

School

• Where the kids will go to school (if you want them to go to private school and your spouse is willing but can't afford it, will you put your money where your mouth is?)

• College planning

• Staying united on making sure your kids stay motivated and succeed in school

Activities

• How you'll decide on activities, especially if you disagree about the relative importance of such things as sports and music lessons

• Whether there's some limit on how many activities the kids can be involved in

Going out

• Agreeing on whether your kids are old enough to be going out with groups of friends or dating, and what the ground rules are (while writing it in the agreement may not be necessary, make sure you discuss it and see whether you can agree on what's appropriate)

Privileges and discipline

• Whether TV and computer time is to be limited in both homes

• Nutrition and junk food consumption

• What they're allowed to see at the movies

• Whether teens can go out with their older friends who are already driving

• Appropriate punishment for breaking rules or failing to do chores (remember, kids engage in divide-and-conquer strategies whenever possible, so try to come to some agreement if you can)

Medical care and insurance

• Who the kids see for medical and dental appointments

• Whether you're required to notify the other parent every time you get medical attention for the kids, even if it's routine

• How quickly you must notify the other parent in an emergency

• Who will maintain the kids on their insurance, and who will pay for it if it's not included as a job benefit

• How uninsured expenses will be divided

• What you'll do if the kids need mental health care.

For a comprehensive list of issues and step-by-step instructions for making a comprehensive parenting plan, see Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last, by Mimi E. Lyster (Nolo). Also, websites listed in Chapter 16 provide or direct you to sample parenting plans. A couple of excellent ones are Arizona's "Model Parenting Time Plans," available online at www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/pdf/ parenting_time_plan_final.pdf, and Alaska's "Model Parenting Agreement" at www.state.ak.us/courts/forms/dr-475.pdf.

Remember who's affected by your divorce ...

" We are both older, and we agreed on the divorce so neither of us was being dumped and we aren't wallowing in our hurt and desires. We both know that the really vulnerable person in this equation is our son. We have really striven to make sure that we don't lose sight of that. And I do think that most divorcing people do lose sight of who's the weakest."

-Divorced mom of eight-year-old

Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce

Although there is a lively debate in psychological circles about just exactly how much long-term impact divorce has on children, there is little question that it creates enormous changes in their lives, especially during the separation process. From your perspective, you have a single focus: protecting your kids as much as possible.

There's also no disagreement about the fact that parents are the most important people in a child's life, or that a highly conflicted divorce is much, much harder on kids than one that minimizes their exposure to parental conflict. In case you haven't yet gotten the message, here it is again: Do not bring your kids into your conflicts with your spouse. Don't fight with your spouse in front of the kids or say negative