Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [72]
"I wish I wasn't there."
A nine-year-old child of divorced parents is clear that witnessing his parents' fights is the worst part of having divorced parents. "When they fight about me, I wish I wasn't even there anymore. I wish they would just learn to work it out and I wouldn't have to listen anymore."
Telling Your Kids About the Divorce
The challenges of parenting during divorce begin when it's time to tell your children that you and your spouse are divorcing. Start by making a plan, and don't wait kids have strong antennae, and you'll be doing them a favor by telling them what's going on. Try to have the conversation at a time when it's normal for you to be with your kidsdon't interrupt or cancel their usual activities.
It's best for you and your spouse to talk to the kids together-this can reassure them that you both love them and will always he their parents, even though you won't be living together anymore. And it's best to do it before making any major changes, like having one parent move out. It's important to reassure them that the divorce isn't their fault, and that your decision has nothing to do with them or their behavior. If you can give them a reason for the divorce, all the better, even if it's just that "We aren't happy living together anymore." An amazing number of kids place blame on themselves, perceiving the facts in topsy-turvy ways you'd never imagine. Having a sense that there was a reason other than their behavior can help. Make sure they also understand you thought about it for a long time before making a decision.
If something like infidelity or substance abuse is a factor in your divorce and your kids are asking why the breakup is happening, you may need to offer an answer that is true, but vague: "Some of the reasons are private, but the main reason is that we are fighting so much that we are not happy living together anymore." The adult concerns that are probably driving your decision to divorce are not actually what your children are concerned about. They are much more worried about where they will sleep at night and who will tuck them in-or if they're older, whether they'll have to switch high schools.
Make a plan. Before sitting down to talk with your kids, decide on what you are going to say and how. If you and your spouse will be together, get on the same page before sitting down with your children-and don't argue with each other while you're talking with them! The last thing you want is to disagree in front of the kids about what is going to happen in terms of custody and living situations. If you and your spouse are going to be talking to the kids separately, make a plan of your own so that you don't stumble or feel confused-and you and your spouse should still try to get together about what the kids are going to be told so that you don't contradict each other.
If your kids are close in age, you can talk to them at the same time, but if they are further apart and in very different developmental stages, you might need to have more than one conversation. If that's the case, at least make sure the conversations happen close together in time, so the kids have the same information at the same time.
When you do talk, try to stay as calm as you can-this will help them understand that even though it's hard and painful, you are making a decision you can live with. (And it's upsetting for kids, especially young ones, to see their parents cry or be very obviously agitated or out of control.)
Different kids, of course, will react differently. Some will cry, while others will go quiet. Watch for signs of upset, and make yourself available to talk to them as they absorb the news and start to adjust. Let them know that they can say anything to you and that it's okay for them to express their anger, disappointment, and sadness.
Most kids want to