Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [73]
It's a good idea to let the people who'll be around your kids know about the divorce-their teachers, caregivers, and even their friends' parents. That way, if they notice behavioral changes signaling that your child is having trouble coping, they'll understand why and will know they should alert you to what's going on.
Reassure the kids that they will still see the parent who's moving out or who will be the noncustodial parent. As soon as that parent has a new place, make sure the kids get to see it, and make sure they have a current phone number and email address right away. If you're the parent moving out, stay in close touch with your kids by phone and email right after the separation-and if you're the custodial parent, support and encourage this contact no matter how hard it might feel.
Keep repeating to your kids the important messages that:
• The divorce is not their fault.
• They will always have both parents, and they have your permission and encouragement to continue to love their other parent.
• Their lives will return to being more predictable and routine after the initial transition is weathered.
• You will tell them the truth about what's going on and listen to their feelings.
• You will always love them and so will their other parent.
Speaking of Divorce: How to Talk With Your Kids and Help Them Cope, by Roberta Beyer and Kent Winchester (Free Spirit Publishing), has lots of concrete suggestions for how to have all the different conversations you'll need to have with your children as the divorce progresses.
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, Revised Edition, by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. (Simon and Schuster). This book is a perennial bestseller for a reason: its straightforward approach to coping with separating your households and the impact on your kids.
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman, L.M.H.C., with Patricia Romanowski (Random House). The "sandcastles" method of working with children of divorce has been praised by professionals and parents.
The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart, by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. (HarperCollins). While a "good divorce" might seem like an oxymoron, this book is based on the premise that even after divorce, you are still a family-just one with a different structure. It's focused on working through the transition in the most positive way possible.
Always Dad: Being a Great Father During & After Divorce, by Paul Mandelstein (Nolo), helps fathers deal with the unique parenting challenges of divorce.
Kids and Emotions
Just as you are riding an emotional rollercoaster, your children are dealing with feelings they may never have experienced before. You have an opportunity to affect their future in a positive way by how you deal with their feelings during this vulnerable and difficult time.
No matter how old your kids are, talking with them and making yourself available to listen to what they have to say is probably the single most important thing you can do. Don't force them, but do ask them regularly how they are doing and then make time and space to listen. If you have more than one child, make sure you spend time alone with each one in a way that encourages them to talk to you. Don't judge anything that they say-listen carefully and with curiosity, and respond gently and without anger, no matter how difficult it is to hear what they are saying. Keep your body language neutral and open (that means don't cross your arms or legs), and make eye contact.
Most kids go through a hard time when their parents first separate, especially if they have to move. If you do move, it's important to give your kids as much input as possible into making the new house a home, so that they can feel that they belong there.
Settling in ...
A divorced mom