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By Root 917 0

reports that "the therapist told us that children can deal with divorce, but what they can't deal with is disappearance [of their parents and their life as they know it]. She said that the more our son could be empowered, the better, and that we should let him make as many decisions as possible about his room in the new place. When we first told him [about the divorce], he cried, but then we immediately took him over to see the other house and then he started running back to our house to bring stuff over." And just as you will adjust to the new living situation, so will they. Children are quite resilient, and the less conflicted your divorce is, the better they will do. No matter what, though, you're bound to see some reactions from your kids.

Children will act out differently depending on their ages and their unique personalities. While some acting out behavior is to be expected-and of course, some of these behaviors come with the territory at certain ages-you should also expect to see improvement over time. But when you see a combination of behaviors or things are looking really extreme or are disrupting your family life, it's probably time to intervene.

For younger kids, you might seek outside help if you see extremes in the following areas:

• regression in learned skills, either physical or cognitive

• regression in toilet training

• change in sleeping habits, night terrors, or desire to sleep with you

• change in eating habits

• physical complaints or frequent illness, or

• tantrums, resistance to discipline, or difficult interactions with peers.

With school-age and teenage kids, pay attention to:

• rebellion against discipline, chores, or family interactions

• secrecy

• problems with schoolwork or peer relationships at school

• change in eating habits

• change in sleeping habits, or

• physical complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other ailments.

If you are concerned, your first step should be to check in with your spouse and find out whether the same behavior is going on when your child is with the other parent. Your spouse might have some interesting observations. Armed with complete information, you can next try contacting your child's teacher or school counselor. They may have some insight if they are familiar with your child-or just have general knowledge about helping kids through divorce-and they might be able to give you a referral to a child psychologist if you think you want advice or counseling for your child.

Kids and New Relationships

If you are already involved in a new relationship when you are still dealing with the nitty-gritty of your divorce, you are coping with some complicated issues. Kids often have a hard time with parents having a new love interest after a divorce, and you'll need to learn to juggle the responsibilities of being a single parent with the pleasures and perils of a new relationship. Don't rush into anything, and be especially careful about bringing a new partner into your home to meet your kids until you're sure the relationship is serious. (There's more about new relationships and blended families in Chapter 15.)

Don't ask your new partner to pick up the kids. If you are in a new relationship, try to keep your new partner away from changeover times for a while. A spouse who encounters your new love every time the kids are dropped off or picked up (or who finds out that he or she is picking up the kids from school) is bound to feel anxious at the very least. There's more about dealing sensitively with new relationships in later chapters, but for now, the signs on the high road point to restraint in this area.

Give your kids something to think about. There are lots of books for kids about divorce. Check your local library or bookstore for age-appropriate books. A few good ones for each age group:

Two Homes, by Claire Masurel (Candlewick Press), is a picture book for very young children about going back and forth between Mom and Dad's houses. Also for the very young set, Standing on My Own Two Feet, by Tamara Schmitz (Price Stern Sloan).

At Daddy's On