Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [76]
Consider getting some outside help. There are classes for divorcing parents in most communities, or you may be able to find a therapist experienced in dealing with shared custody situations. Even if you're optimistic about your ability to manage a shared physical custody arrangement, it can't hurt to get some tips from people who have been through it or helped other families.
Stay in touch. It's important that you keep in touch with your spouse about what's going on with your kids. You can let the school know that you both should receive progress reports and information about events, but there's lots of other information that you'll want to share. Some parents use a notebook that goes back and forth with the kids, in which they make notes about things like a developing cold, a new aversion to orange juice, or an upcoming sleepover that you've agreed to.
Email is a common way for divorced parents to communicate, and there are also interactive websites where you can set up message boards and calendars for communicating about day-to-day scheduling and parenting issues. The cost is reasonable. For example, check out www.ourfamilywizard.com, www.sharekids.com, or www .parentingtime.net; all three offer programs that allow you to keep an expense log and to negotiate schedule changes like trading days, for between $100 and $200 per year.
Be mindful of the learning curve. In many relationships, one parent is the primary caretaker for the children. That parent knows where the information about the kids' doctor and dentist is kept, who drives the carpool on what days, and when picture day at school is happening. If you haven't been that parent, get ready for a crash course in management as you start to take care of the kids on your own. You may be surprised to find just how much your spouse has been doing to keep the kids functioning in their busy lives-and a bit overwhelmed at your new responsibilities.
Family planning. Free Spirit Publishing offers quite a few resources for families going through divorce, including a kit titled Juggling Act: Handling Divorce Without Dropping the Ball: A Survival Kit for Kids and Parents, by Roberta Beyer and Kent Winchester. The kit includes both of Beyer and Winchester's books (Speaking of Divorce and What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce?), along with a calendar and communication system for parents. The calendar comes with stickers that make it user friendly for kids and helps them to get involved in dealing with the schedule in a positive way. And parents find the communication tools helpful.
Another communication tool for parents sharing custody is the CoParenting Journal, by Joseph A. Ekman and Bruce Bess, distributed through the About the Kids Foundation at www.aboutthekids.org.
(Extended) Family Matters
You may be painfully aware that you and your spouse aren't the only family members concerned about their ongoing relationship with your kids after the divorce. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and others often have a lot invested in how your custody and visitation arrangements get set up, as well as in where you live. And just as you will continue to have your spouse in your life at least until your children are adults, you're likely to also keep your in-laws.
Your spouse's family
If you're the custodial parent, then you have another excellent opportunity for taking the high road in your divorce. Reassure the grandparents on your spouse's side that you intend to support their relationship with your kids in whatever ways are appropriate. If they don't have much of a relationship to start with, you don't have to go out and cultivate one. But if they live nearby and are involved in your kids' everyday lives, let them know that doesn't have to change. The same goes for aunts, uncles, and cousins your children are close to.
On the other hand, if your relationship with your spouse's relatives deteriorated with the divorce or was never good,