Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [77]
Try not to get into a legal fight about this if you can at all avoid it. The law in this area is not simple, and states differ on how they handle nonparent visitation. In general, nonparents don't have a lot of legal right to ask for visitation with your kids if you don't want to allow it. However, some states use a "best interests of the child" standard in reviewing these visitation cases and some have specific laws covering grandparent visitation, so if you really don't want your child's grandparents to have any visitation, you may need to show why the contact would be bad for the kids. And unless you have hard evidence that the grandparents or other relatives are abusive or otherwise dangerous to your kids, you don't have any control over who the kids see when your spouse has the kids.
All in the family ...
We all had good relationships before the divorce, and we've tried to keep that going for our daughter's sake," says one divorced father. "My wife's family was angry at me for a while after we separated, but she always supported my relationship with our daughter and I just kept showing up at big family events until they remembered that they like me. I can tell that Lily is thrilled when we're all together and that makes it worthwhile."
Stepparents
Perhaps your spouse has children from a previous marriage whom you've been parenting during your marriage but haven't adopted. Courts are split on whether you should get visitation with these kids, who aren't legally related to you. But most states have laws that say at least that you can go to court and ask for visitation, and some states look to the best interests of the child, rather than the rights of the parents, in making decisions on stepparent visitation. The length of your marriage and the degree to which you acted as a parent will be the major factors in the court's decision. The judge may also consider the level of conflict in your relationship with your spouse and with the child's other legal parent.
Major life events
Especially if your kids are young now, you'll be dealing for many years with big events like school graduations, bar and bat mitzvahs, big birthday parties, important sports events, and even your children's weddings and the births of their own children. And it won't just he your kids' events-there are also the other relatives who have milestones, too. Most likely, your child wants to have all the important people around for these events. Voila! Here's another opportunity for you to take the high road.
If you're the one organizing the big events, make sure that everyone in your spouse's family to whom your child feels close gets an invitation from you, not just from your spouse. Make it clear that they are welcome, and be gracious when they show up. The same goes for your spouse's new love interest (assuming that enough time has passed to make it not completely gauche of your spouse to bring a date). You may have to take some deep breaths, but keep your focus on your children's welfare and you'll be fine-and your kids will be better than fine. They'll have a sense of belonging to a family and of being valued and important.
If One Parent Has Primary Physical Custody
Both custodial and noncustodial parents face lots of challengesdifferent ones-as they adjust to new household structures. If you are the custodial parent, you have your kids with you the majority of the time. This may feel like a victory to you, but don't waste time gloating about it. As the parent with greater access, you have an important responsibility to support your child's relationship with the other parent, no matter what your own feelings are about your spouse.
If you're the noncustodial parent, be careful you don't fall into the trap of trying to overcompensate for not being there all the time. Make sure your time with the kids is quality time, but don't spend it all at the amusement park or the mall. Your challenge is to establish a second home where your kids feel comfortable,