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• Express your willingness to consider different custody and visitation arrangements, but clearly explain (once, not over and over again) why you prefer one over another.

• Keep your focus on your children's well-being and what's best for them.

• Follow up promptly and thoroughly if you're asked to follow up with paperwork or information-for example, providing verification of employment or medical information about your children.

Don't:

• Say negative things about your spouse; if you're asked about your spouse's strengths and weaknesses as a parent, be as evenhanded as you can, and don't dwell on either.

• Ask the evaluator to provide therapy or advise you on how to deal with your spouse or your children.

• Coach your kids about what to say or do.

• Be late or miss appointments with the evaluator.

• Disobey custody orders that are in place while the evaluation is pending.

Don't try to manipulate the evaluator. There's a lot of material out there about custody evaluations, especially on the Internet. A lot of it comes from an extremely adversarial perspective, promising to show you how to manipulate the process to get the evaluator to do what you want. But if you're in need of a custody evaluation, you and your spouse are already in a highly polarized situation-and you will best serve your children by recognizing that the help of an experienced professional might be just what you and your spouse need. That means you need to cooperate with the evaluator, rather than trying to get something out of the evaluation. Look at the evaluator as the person who may actually be able to help you and your spouse come to a better understanding of your children's needs and your family's best course of action.

Talking to your kids about the evaluation

There's little doubt that your children will he frightened and confused by the evaluation process, and will wonder whether the decision will hinge on what they say. You can't avoid the difficult truth that the reason for the evaluation is that you and your spouse have different opinions about how the kids should be cared for. But you can explain to them that the evaluator is trying to learn about the family, in order to help you and your spouse learn to parent together in a way that works.

Never coach your children about what to say, and especially don't tell them to speak negatively about their other parent. Reassure them that all they need to do is to tell the truth.

The report

The evaluator's report will be given to you, your spouse, and the court at the same time. Depending on the parameters given at the outset, the evaluation might make recommendations about:

• custody, visitation, and time-sharing

• whether therapy is appropriate for the family together or for any individuals or subsets of the family

• how you and your spouse should deal with conflicts in the future, and

• how to deal with specific issues like substance abuse.

The report might recommend a reevaluation for a specific time in the future, especially if your children are very young.

After you get the recommendation, sit down with your lawyer and discuss it. If it's at all acceptable to you, you're probably better off agreeing to it and giving up your day in court, where you might end up getting less. Of course, if your spouse doesn't agree as well, you'll have to go to court anyway. But take the opportunity to try to get things resolved without an ugly courtroom fight-and maybe even to learn something about parenting during and after your divorce.

If the Custodial Spouse Interferes With Visitation

For many parents, having to deal with an ex-spouse about visitation is really hard, especially right after the separation before anyone has settled into a new routine. Some parents try to minimize contact between their children and their other parent, hoping the difficulties will go away if they're avoided.

Nothing could be further from the truth. If you're hoping that quietly sabotaging contact between your spouse and your kids-hy making