Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [86]
First of all, it's not good for your kids, who need both of their parents' support during this big transition. Second, it will only make things more difficult for you and your spouse in the long run. Third, it may backfire against you in court. If your spouse reports your behavior to the judge, you could lose your custody rights or some of your visitation time, or have to deal with the judge appointing someone to oversee visitation and make sure the court orders are being carried out.
If your spouse is interfering with visitation, first try direct communication. Ask your spouse whether the visitation schedule is working out and if it isn't, what the problem is. Don't accuse or threaten. There may be an explanation that you haven't thought of, so be open-minded. However, it's also important to remind your spouse that there's a court order in place and that you expect compliance. If you continue to have problems, suggest mediation-and try to find a mediator who's trained in dealing with custody matters. A little intervention can go a long way in a situation that hasn't escalated too far.
But what about a spouse who simply refuses to comply with courtordered visitation? There's not much you can do except go back to court and ask the judge to intervene. If necessary, the judge will send law enforcement officers to pick up your kids and bring them to you for visitation. And you may even be able to get the judge to order a change in custody. It's definitely in your best interest to have a lawyer help you with this kind of custody fight. A parent who refuses to honor visitation rights is a parent who's probably beyond a talking cure.
If One Parent Wants to Move Away
One of the most contentious issues that divorcing couples deal with is one parent's desire to move away. A move across town, or even to a different city within driving range, may not be a big deal, but when one parent wants to move across the country, sparks may fly.
It's most common for moveaway issues to come up when some time has passed after the divorce-as you start to make a new life for yourself and consider your options, moving might seem like a good plan. (Chapter 15 deals with postdivorce moveaway fights.) But the prospect of a move could also arise during the process of negotiating your divorce.
If you're the one who wants to move with your children, you probably have lots of good reasons. Maybe you have a great job opportunity, or your new partner does. Perhaps you want to live closer to your parents so that they can help you with child care and getting back on your feet after the divorce. Could be you've never liked where you live, and you moved there only because your spouse wanted to.
You may be surprised that your spouse doesn't immediately see the logic of your plan when you present it. But very few parents, especially those who spend significant amounts of time with their kids, are happy about the idea of a major move that takes the kids out of the area.
You need to consider your kids' welfare, too. If your intention is to share joint custody with your spouse, it's really hard on the kids to move a great distance away. Even though there are creative ways to stay in touch, they are not a substitute for frequent contact. Especially in the early days after the divorce, try not to stress your kids this way if you don't absolutely have to.
What if you really need to move and your spouse objects? First and foremost, do not take the kids and leave town without your spouse's agreement. The old saying "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission" absolutely does not apply here, and you may be accused of violating your visitation plan at best, and of kidnapping at worst. Your first step should be to the mediator's office to try to work things out-which for you means getting your spouse to agree to