Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [87]
Before the meeting, think about how you can go the extra mile to make the move more palatable to your ex. Are you willing to pay a greater share of travel costs? Are you willing to give up the kids on holidays, or for longer periods of time during vacations-maybe even for the whole summer? There are a lot of logistical issues to consider. Remember that you are disrupting everyone else's routine, and be prepared to compromise.
If mediation doesn't work, you may have to ask a judge to decide whether or not the move can happen. This is a roll of the dice. Most judges do not favor a move that will take children away from an involved parent, school activities, and friends. At the same time, they are sympathetic to arguments of economic necessity. In some places, the court decides what would be in the "best interests" of the children, but in others, the court will allow a custodial parent to move unless it would harm the children-a much lower standard than considering only what the children's best interests would be. Most states put the burden of showing the move is in the children's best interest on the parent who wants to move. In California, a noncustodial parent can't even get a hearing on the best interests of the child without showing that it's likely the move would be detrimental to the child.
You might end up with permission to move-hut without your children. Instead of letting the kids move, the judge might change custody to the parent who's staying in town. If you're in a fight, the parent staying where the kids are growing up will have a significant advantage. And if the judge thinks that you're moving for the purpose of keeping the kids away from your spouse, watch out. You're likely to get an earful as well as have your request denied.
Don't represent yourself in a moveaway case. The legal rules involved in cases about moving are complicated and change with some frequency. If you and your spouse can't agree about a proposed move, find an experienced custody lawyer to help you protect your rights.
Drug and Alcohol Abuse
Substance abuse, whether it's a cause or an effect of divorce, can become a major issue in decisions about child custody and visitation.
If You Have or Had a Substance Abuse Problem
If you abused drugs or alcohol in the past but are clean now, your spouse will likely try to use your history against you if you're fighting over custody or visitation. So get your ducks in a row right away. Get signed statements from anyone who knows about your recovery, to the effect that while you had a problem in the past, you are dealing with it in a mature and focused way and have been successful in your recovery efforts. If you have persuasive evidence that you are successfully staying away from drugs and alcohol, a judge probably won't treat you any differently than any other parent.
If your recovery is very recent, however, be prepared for the possibility that a judge might place some restrictions on your relationship with your kids. You're unlikely to get primary custody, for one thing. And you may have limited or even supervised visitation until you can prove that you are staying clean. Unless the restrictions are really Draconian, don't fight it. Just keep your nose clean and rely on your lawyer's advice about when it's the right time to return to court and ask for increased visitation or an end to supervision.
If you have a current substance abuse problem, that's a very different story. Your visitation with your kids will definitely be limited, will most probably be supervised, and may be discontinued if you (or your friends or relatives) are found to be abusing drugs or alcohol in their presence. Drug abuse isn't limited to illegal substances, either. If you're abusing antianxiety or pain medications, you may well be a danger to your children. Recognize the signs, come out of your denial, and get some help.
Get the help you need. The United States Department of Health & Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website at www.samhsa.gov has information